being and nothingness

Last post...

2010-10-17T22:22:00.001+01:00

betty has style...

and so does my new blog. I've just amalgamated one of my websites (the one I use for my consultancy work) and this blog. I have a major soft spot for this blog as it has taken me through a significant phase of my (and my family's) life. I've been blogging since 2006 when I also discovered flickr and I wanted to bring together my photography with my words.

During that period my son was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome (on the autistic spectrum), both myself and my partner Tim have given up our salaried posts, we have left glasgow and moved to dumfries and galloway. We took our son out of mainstream school, after a fairly horrendous time and we now do home learning...

This journey has all happened on this blog and so I am really pleased that I have been able to transfer it across to my new site at http://loumcgill.co.uk which uses a new wordpress theme.

I hope any regular readers will come along and continue to follow the story...

immitation of life

2010-09-09T10:15:00.008+01:00

Most people are horrified when I tell them that my son does most of his socialising with his peers over the internet. They are worried because he doesn't go to school and 'get' socialised there (we do home learning - see early blog post to find out why)

I think there are a few assumptions underlying these worries. One assumption is that what happens in a school setting counts as positive socialisation and that schools provide a safe place for children to learn how to be 'effective' social citizens. Personally I don't consider forcing children to engage predominantly with 35 or so other people of the same age as a useful model for later life. As an adult I don't have to socialise or work with people only of my own age. Even for 'neurotypical' children I see this as a contrived, and not particularly useful, social grouping. Perhaps people just don't question the model - after all - it didn't do them any harm!!

For children on the autistic spectrum - being forced into a school environment is at best a daily challenge:

to understand the teacher enough to learn
to cope with the unwritten rules that children live by
to cope with a sensoryoverload nightmare

and at worst a place to feel ostracised and be bullied.

Well yes you could say that that was preparation for life in our society (another assumption) because that kind of behaviour does happen to adults too, but having to undergo that on a daily basis doesn't teach the child with autism much at all - coping strategies for dealing with bullies? It certainly gets in the way of academic learning.

I find it quite incredible that people think this is likely to be a positive experience.

Even outside the school setting, being in groups of children is just not something that offers any attraction for my son. More than one person at a time is just too hard to deal with at the moment. Forcing him to do so will not change his sensory or communication issues and difficulties.

So during this phase in his life (early teens) he gets his social interaction with peers through the internet and actually has a wide network of pals of all ages. This interaction is not a poor second to 'face to face' contact. It is a rich source of learning, playing and testing out his communication skills using a medium that he is very comfortable with. He, and his pals try out a range of genders and ways of 'virtual being' that are hugely educational - for example seeing how people respond differently to him when presenting as a woman or as someone very small or large. he can choose to reveal his autism or not. He can find friends because they have something in common not because they are the same age group.

I have no doubt as to the value of this experience for him - these relationships are real. These are real people on their computers all over the world. They share experiences, content, music and information - they support and help each other. However I find the most common response to this kind of interaction is that is less real than face to face interaction, that it doesn't count as real socialising.

Some people get even more worried when I reveal that my son's current internet place of choice is World of Warcraft (WoW) - an online roleplaying game. Despite a range of very strong arguments for the value of gaming in education - this Wired' article talks about 'learning to be' rather than 'learning about', some of my family and friends don't get it. 'Learning to be' is the most crucial thing a young aspie needs to crack. Recently he met an older person with a communication disorder who has shared his experiences and how he managed to cope and establish his own business. He has handed over some coping strategies to my son. This is a hugely authentic learning experience for my son - in fact that's what I call 'learning to be'.

how to be an e-learning expert

2010-08-28T10:57:00.008+01:00

It's never been easier to reinvent yourself as an e-learning expert.

Just by following the few simple steps below you too could be an expert within weeks. The only proviso I would give is that in order to achieve this you must be SHAMELESS.

1. Don't worry if you have no experience of teaching - we're all learners after all.

2. Get used to using the word 'pedagogy' - it can make you feel like an imposter at first but with practice it soon trips off the tongue.

3. It is essential to have a blog, but do try to use wordpress rather than blogger - it's more complicated to use.

4. To develop your blog readership refer a lot to other peoples blog posts - other budding experts will be on the lookout for the competition but may realise the benefit of mutual promotion.

5. Don't be tempted to use flash - it will be heavily frowned upon by the other experts.

6. Use twitter to self promote at every opportunity and don't be afraid to tweet about the same blog post more than 10 times in one day - you don't want to miss any potential readers. Luckily other elearning experts will be keeping an eye out for tweets like this so that they can go and comment on other expert's blogs.

7. Remember to regularly retweet other experts - some people may even think you said it.

8. Comment on other expert's blogs. This can be a bit dangerous if that person is actually an expert, so if unsure you could just refer to their post from your blog and this can be displayed at the bottom of their post, if they are expert enough to organise that.

9. It can be useful to focus on one particular aspect of e-learning - there are many you could choose from including, mobile learning, digital literacy, OERS, etc. It is better to focus on these broader issues rather than a particular technology as the latter go in and out of fashion. However you should always keep your eye out for the latest craze and be an early user. This is vital to your chances of success. You just need to persuade your boss that playing with these all day is important to your role.

10. It can be helpful to identify one technology or service that you dislike - facebook, prezi and VLEs are good examples. You will always have blog fodder and there will always be people who agree with you. Those that disagree can post lots of comments about that and so something like this really feeds the e-learning expert movement.

11. Make sure you find out what the current in-jokes are - these can be tricky to join in with in the early stages of your 'expert' status but it helps to know them. It is better to try joining in with these through twitter - you can always delete your tweet if everyone ignores you.

12. If playing with new technologies, blogging and tweeting all day gets in the way of your contracted work then you always have the opportunity to set yourself up as an expert consultant. It is best to do this when a few other people have recognised that you are an expert - some manage without this but it is harder.

13. Don't be tempted to describe yourself as an expert. There will always be someone who will do it for you. An easy way to get such a statement is to arrange to do a testimonial for someone else on LinkedIn in exchange for them doing one for you.

14. It is important to get a band of regular blog and twitter followers. The best way to do this is always answer their comments and messages, even if what they say is meaningless. You are going to have to get used to this so get some practice in early on. These early relationships can develop into hero worship if you manage them well.

15 I think this one may be the most important - don't be afraid to state the bleeding obvious, because if you don't do it someone else will, and they'll steal your kudos. There will always be someone who thinks what you have said is an original thought. The ones that know it's not original will be clever enough to point people to their own blog posts about the same thing. If this happens alot on one blog post you can always resort to distracting your followers by talking about philiosophy or politics. It is very helpful if you can use very abstract academic language at this point cause everyone forgets that you have made a tit of yourself.

16 It helps to have a beard; )

Please don't come back to me if this doesn't work for you. It's a tried and tested formula.

moving on...

2010-08-26T10:44:00.007+01:00

I can't believe I haven't written since feb!

Alot has gone on since then. We moved from Glasgow to Dumfries and Galloway. Found a run down old house with a fab ironmongers shop incorporated. We are keeping the shop going and it is called 'Life's Little Ironies - The Whithorn Ironmonger'. I have set up a blog for it but been so busy not many posts yet. Click on our logo to go and see it.

The house needs loads of work so we are living in turmoil at the moment - not the best thing for a kid with Aspergers. His room is being done as a priority and he is coping well. We are still doing the home learning - and about to investigate some local support agencies to see if we can connect to some activities. He was happy to leave Glasgow though and he can see the sea from his bedroom window. His favourite spot is the Isle of Whithorn - what a magical place and 5 mins away.

The other great thing about our move is that we now have a garden. We rushed to get our veggies planted (have a greenhouse too) and are now enjoying the fruits of our labour.

Hope to get a polytunnel soon too. We also hatched some chickens and the first three chicks hatched are now living in the garden. More chicken coops are being made for the next phase - afraid we have got the bug. This blog will probably end up as a chicken blog!

This is a very tiny amrock chicken (born the day before my birthday) called Jimi little wing as it was born when jimi hendrix was playing

Here is is at 9 weeks old! still not sure if it's a girl or a boy but suspect it's a boy..

I'm still working as a consultant and have just finished some big jobs - will post soon about them. Now have even more challenging juggling to do but hope to keep the blog going with more frequent posts.

scapegoats and scaremongers

2010-02-26T19:05:00.004Z

I've been away for a while - trying to focus only on what I have to. Lots happening and will do a catch up post soon...

However I am moved to write today following the ridiculous media and government response to the court case about the awful death of 7 year old Khyra Ishaq. A large section of the home learning community have been waiting for this to happen - but it still doesn't stop you feeling extremely angry and upset. Why?

Well blatant lies usually make me get upset... as do attempts to take away freedoms and rights that are important to me and my family. I have not blogged about the whole Badman report fiasco, the worse than useless research methods, the outrageous disregard of the huge response from home educators, the resultant draconian measures proposed in the Child, Schools and Familys Bill, the rushing of this through parliament without adequate debate and the threats to our freedoms that all this affects.

That is because there are many eleoquent people doing it on our behalf. I will try to list them below but apologies if I miss anyone:
Educating out of the box
Sometimes it's peaceful
Gritsday
Renegade Parent
Dare to know this offers a great set of links to the documents and a history of the whole horrible mess.

Some of the British media (notably the BBC and the Times) have responded as expected to the news of Khyra and have focussed on the home education issue. Badman and Balls have been rolled out to say that this case prompted their concern and has led to them proposing new measures to monitor home educating families. They rarely highlight just how intrusive their proposals are.

They also rarely point out how the current legislation for England would be adequate if Local Authorities understood and followed the guidleines appropriately.

Judge's comments
The Judge himself said the following about the case http://www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Fam/2009/B36.html:

"K's death was caused by and is the responsibility of her mother and the Intervenor, but on the evidence before the court I can only conclude that in all probability had there been an adequate initial assessment and proper adherence by the educational welfare services to its guidance, K would not have died. Merely looking at the photographs of the house and the conditions in which the children were living confirms in my mind that had social services even seen the bedroom in which the children lived or the Mer in which they were fed, they would undoubtedly have intervened."

so all I'm asking today is this.....

why are you going to invest huge amounts of money creating a new system that is going to stretch services even more when you could put energy into sorting out the perfectly adequate system which just needs to be supported by enough well trained staff and improving cross agency communication?

Your actions are highly likely to cause even more cases like this as services are overstretched.

Your actions are highly likely to end up forcing some children back into school (because local authority staff rarely understand that home learning can not be measured by your school system)

Your actions could make those children go back to being suicidal and self harming as schools continue to fail children with different educational needs

I am glad I live in Scotland (which has a much better system) but we must all support the UK wide Home Learning community. We must do this because we will be next - by we I mean all of us. Surely you do realise that your children are "hidden" during the school holidays and before they start school... Hope you wont mind them coming into your home, possibly talking to your children alone, and making judgements about your way of life. Hope you are ready too...

dear family...

2009-11-10T18:09:00.010Z

I've been meaning to write this one for so long that I almost can't write it anymore. I lie awake at night going over and over what I want to say. I think my recent reading of the new book 'Children and teenagers with aspergers:the journey of parenting from birth to teens' has really made me re-focus on my need to do this.

It presents real experiences of a range of families, all who recount the immense struggle of being a parent to a child or young person with a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. Why is it important to read this book?

Well I think it is very easy to fall into the trap of only presenting the best of our children to the world. I am guilty of this because I want people to see his gifts and his strengths, his beauty and his unusual window on the world. I want people to love him enough to help protect him from the harsh cruelties that exist in our society for anyone who presents in a non-neurotypical way. If you don't know what I mean then go back a couple of years in this blog - you'll soon get the picture.

In fact the stories in this book also present a catalogue of failures from the various professional systems that are meant to support our children's wellbeing, health and education. But these stories also recount some of the huge difficulties that present a parent of someone on the autistic spectrum. Of course no one person with a diagnosis of AS will present in the same way as another. What is really evident from the stories are the number of times people deny that there could be anything 'wrong' with these young people other than bad parenting, lack of discipline and the old favourite 'not enough boundaries'. Anyone who has had to engage at any level with any of the support services that are supposed to help us will have had these accusations many times.

Many of us don't have to look further than our own families and friends to experience these accusations. At least three people in our very immediate families do not believe that our son has AS. They find it difficult to see how such a very bright child could not be anything other than manipulative and oppositional.

What is really distressing about this is the absolute denial of our whole life (because having AS in the family does affect your whole life). So these people have no concept of what our daily lives are really like. They only see us when we have made significant planning efforts and taken damage limitation actions to reduce situations that will trigger autistic meltdowns. If they do witness one due to uncontrollable circumstances such as sensory overload, verbal ambiguity or a myriad of other triggers they label it as a tantrum.

I remember my son cowering in the corner of a corridoor surrounded by family members talking really loudly. He was very distressed and covering his head due to sensory overload but couldn't get away because none of the would move. When I tried to explain and asked them to move a close family member said ' oh he's just having another tantrum'. This enraged me. Why can't you bring yourself to believe me/us. I have reached the point now where I feel like saying 'OK - well you take your small and narrow minds elsewhere - we haven't got the energy to deal with you'

I'll go away and focus on the things that really need my energy, such as when my son can't sleep because he thinks about death all the time, or when he is self harming because he hates himself and what he does so much, or when he can't control the meltdowns and becomes abusive or violent. You don't see all this and you don't help...

And that hurts quite alot.

To go back to the reason for this post - it is not easy to say those things about my wonderful son. I do sometimes feel incredibly lonely, tired and helpless. But if I spend my life hiding them then I am denying our lives in a similar way that you do. Well excuse me - but this is our life...

Get used to it or clear off...

A recent BBC documentary also highlights these issues and include a couple of families with children with autism who display violent responses - available to watch for a limited time only 'When a mother's love is not enough'. It looks at how easy it is to lose control and harm the child you love, through exhaustion, sheer loneliness and frustration. It also highlights the ridiculous and failing support system that the state offers to parents of disabled children.

do educational institutions have a future?

2009-11-02T15:58:00.010Z

This is a post about one of the sessions in the JISC Innovating Learning 2009 Online Conference.

We wanted to have a session which stimulated discussion around some of the technological, social and organisational issues that are likely to affect the future learner, teacher and institutions. So we found three people to help us with this task. Martin Weller, Graham Attwell and Rob Howe have each taken on the task of producing a short video to offer us a selection of possible futures. do educational institutions have a future?

Martin has looked at this from the angle of the academic/scholar and engaged in a conversation with some of his future selves. I wont spoil the pleasure of watching it by describing any more but the beardyness seems to have caught a few people's imagination. Some people have also responded to his blog post and video by making their own 'conversation with a future self'. This could be catching - I will try to list these at the foot of this blog post in an attempt to pull them together.

Rob Howe has offered us a range of futures through the eyes of four learners and more beards... Personally I really love the last one with the TRIPE invention which involves tingling brains and Tesco's. He also links us to the JISC funded Learner Experience work too...

Graham Attwell offers two starkly contrasting visions of how institutions will cope with the various economic, polictical and technological drivers. From the abolition of JISC and courses costing 20k a year to a federated open innovation approach. Personally I love the 'aesthetics of bots sport' course.

John Traxler Director of the Learning Lab and Professor of Mobile Learning at the University of Wolverhamptonfrom will be facilitating the discussion during the conference who brings a wealth of experience as both an online and face to face facilitator.

I look forward to the discussion around this session and would encourage people to register with the conference to ensure that you don't miss it.

In fact we will be offering free spaces to the best three responses tagged with jiscel09 so get your beards ready and show us your future vision...

Inspired by the videos Grainne Conole has set up a very popular cloud on the OU Cloudworks site.

See also
Alan Cann, Leicester University
Very apt Halloween special vision of the future

Gill Clough, Open University
Interview with future self envisions a pink future; )

Short film for CLT's 2009 away-day. Asked to imagine the state of e-learning in the year 2020... Devised by and starring Jane Secker, Steve Bond & Athina Chatzigavriil

Innovating e-Learning 2009

2009-11-02T15:54:00.002Z

Innovating e-Learning 2009 - Thriving, not just surviving

Innovating e-Learning 2009, the fourth JISC online conference, takes place on 24-27 November 2009.

Now a major event in the calendar of conferences on learning, teaching and technology, Innovating e-Learning focuses this year on the theme of Thriving, not just Surviving. The programme reflects the challenges facing further and higher education institutions in the 21st century and features leading thinkers, broadcasters and academics, such as Charles Leadbeater, Nigel Paine, Helen Beetham, Rhona Sharpe (Oxford Brookes University), Peter Bradwell, (Demos).

The 2009 conference has two themes:
Finding the way, which focuses on focuses on exploring guiding principles for technology-enhanced learning and teaching, and
Meeting the challenge, which explores the integration of technology-mediated practice under specific agendas such as meeting the needs of employers, developing sustainable and external-facing strategies for curriculum development and engaging stakeholders in the design of learning spaces.

Delegates from the UK meet in the asynchronous conference environment with colleagues from overseas, making this a particularly vibrant and accessible way to attend a conference. Last year’s delegate list topped 400 and included representatives from 14 countries.

New this year is the Have-a- Go area, where delegates can try out innovative new technologies demonstrated by JISC services, projects and other agencies. Representatives from the JISC RSCs are set to provide guided tours in Second Life, and James Clay (Gloucestershire College) returns by popular demand to take up the role of conference blogger.

Innovating e-Learning 2009 takes place in an asynchronous virtual environment which can be accessed at a time and place that suits you. The keynotes, however, are delivered live in Elluminate, a collaborative web conferencing platform.

For booking and further information, visit www.jisc.ac.uk/elpconference09

Delegate fee: £50 per delegate

word press madness

2009-11-02T14:22:00.004Z

I've been having a go with wordpress as an alternative blogging mechanism and have transferred the wedding photography blog to one which uses a photo blogging template.

http://weddingphotography-glasgow.com/blog/

I'm also working on some other sites as I've just bought a few domain names. I'll post these soon. Most exciting too is a new portrait photography website as we've decided to move into that area of work too. It's in devenlopment - haven't even got the price list in yet...

http://www.loumcgill.com/portraits

Here is one of my current favourites of the boy...

playing with prezi

2009-07-13T23:30:00.006+01:00

I've been waiting for an opportunity to have a go at using prezi - the zooming presentation software. As far back as 2003 I was experimenting with using concept mapping software to do presentations... but the software wasn't developed for that purpose and it was rather challenging although usually well received because it was different.

I recently had the opportunity to use prezi for the first time in front of an audience at the JISC Learning & Teaching Practice Experts meeting where we were presenting some of the findings from the LLiDA (Learning Literacies for the Digital Age) study. My session was to present a case study of good institutional policy and strategy for learning literacies. These are still very rare but the Glasgow Caledonian University has done some really interesting work with their i-Learn project - an Independent Learning Framework for the whole University.

from prezi.com

the presentation is available at http://prezi.com/122745/
I did put one picture into the presentation. It was one of my faves of the Saltire Centre at Glasgow Caledonian University.

My thoughts on using this application are as follows:

offers a non linear approach but allows you to create pathways through the content
allows you to present the whole picture in a fairly visual form and then zoom in as required
fairly limited in choice of colours and styles at present (really hoping they will be adding some)
relies on a good internet connection for presentation unless you purchase the desktop version (which I did - and had to use on the day)
allows you to incorporate a good range of file types so not limited to lists and bullet points
can be shared as an editable resource of limited to owner (I limited this as need it to be correct for a presentation but could see some educational for developing collaborative stuff
generally the audience liked the wow factor and the difference
not sure how accessible it is yet?
I will use it again as I've invested about £100 for it.
it's a bit faffy to get stuff placed properly and it helps to have a big screen
I made it on a wide screen laptop and the display didn't work properly (although could have been the ancient projector

Engaging Learning with Social Software

2009-07-05T12:56:00.006+01:00

I have been working for Oxford Brookes University on their online course Engaging Learning with Social Software. I have been a co-tutor with Patsy Clarke and the course is coming to an end. I want to give some feedback to the particpants so decided to use my blog - which seems only fair as one of the activities in the course was an option to set up their own blogs.

The supporting text fro the course was Mason, R and Rennie, F (2008). E-Learning and Social Networking Handbook - Resources for Higher Education. (Routledge). Sadly Robin Mason died recently and will be much missed.

The first two weeks of the course provided an opportunity for participants to try out some suggested applications - including bloggng tools, flickr, twitter, Diigo, Delicious. The course content was provided through the closed VLE which did raise some real challenges for course tutors and partcipants. One advantage of using the VLE is that it brings (and keeps) everything together - course content, discussions and links out to other sources. We used a tag of elss0609 to try to pull things together but this does rely on everyone understanding the nature of tagging.

Several students found it really difficult to keep track of other students activities and it was challenging being a tutor on this course. We introduced them to some mechanisms for bringing disparate stuff together such as netvibes and pageflakes.

We discussed many issues around identify, ownership and control of technologies, managing leaning in a ditributed environment, immersion and saturation. Course particpants were considering how these tools could help their own social and professional networking as well as how the tools could be used in an educational context.

E Lss0609 Week 2 Summary

View more documents from loumcgill.

The above slides provide a summary of the issues that arose during the first two weeks.

The second two weeks provided an opportunity for particpants to work collaboratively using sharing software of their choice:

A Wiki (e.g. http://www.pbwiki.com (now renamed PBWorks) or similar) for collaborative documenting and writing
Facebook (http://www.facebook.com or similar) for networking and sharing/presenting graphics, video
RSS (using an RSS aggregator of the groups choice) to monitor changes in content.
See the 'RSS in plain English' video - 3.5 minutes - at http://www.commoncraft.com/rss_plain_english
YouTube (http://www.youtube.com for video sharing.
Slideshare (http://www.slideshare.net) for sharing powerpoint slides and adding audio
Google docs (http://docs.google.com/) for collaborative writing

Googlegroups was a poular choice for this. We built the activity around recent evidence from two recent JISC funded studies:

Learners' Experiences of e-Learning which has just completed its second phase and reports on findings based on research among HE and FE students in the UK
Learning Literacies for a Digital Age (LLiDA) of students has been looking into what practices support students to learn effectively in a digital age. The report examines current institutional practice to support and develop a range of learner skills/capabilities , including technical/tool literacies, information and media literacies, academic and learning literacies.

The group activity involved designing a learning activity to support learning literacies of their students. These activtives are clearly more about the process than the end product and the particpants experienced the usual difficulties of trying to work across time zones with people they don't know in any other context.

I enjoyed being a tutor on this course - and would recommend it for people who want the space to engage with different social software and the opportunity to reflect on this and discuss with peers. Particpants on the online courses often struggle to manage their time and can find things a bit overwhelming - but the value of experiencing life as a student for a while is always evident. They often say that they really understand the importance of clear guidelines and instructions, good tutor support and the benefit of working with peers.

Another great outcome is the new social network that people establish and another , for some, is a new professional activity of blogging and micro blogging. I look forward to seeing you on twitter, blogger and flickr... Great working with Patsy too...

One more important thing - I always learn a lot every time I tutor on one of these courses as the particpants are very engaging and knowledgable. Thanks to you for sharing your thoughts and reflections.

postcard from poland

2009-06-27T11:24:00.005+01:00

Twice a year we usually have to deal with our son getting very upset and having a week or so of sadness, crying and inability to sleep. This is because on his birthday and at christmas his dad sends him a parcel and a letter.

He is torn because, of course, he is really really pleased that his dad still remembers to do this but he is also gutted that his dad apparently doesn't want to engage with him on a regular basis. His dad tells him of all his wonderful travels but all his son sees is that he never comes to see him or offers to take him with him.

We have tried to get his dad to communicate with his son directly by phone, email, letter or, even better, with visits both to us and to him. His father has refused to communicate with me for about 6 years now (which does make things difficult). I have tried emails, letters and even using solicitors to help establish an ongoing relationship with his son. He must still want one in some way as he sends these warm letters twice a year.

After the christmas parcel last year L tried to send him an email with some recent pictures but his dad's work email no longer worked. Presuming that he's moved jobs I was unable to find another email so L sent him a letter telling him his new email address and asked his dad to send him emails. I was hoping that this may be a start to developing enough of a relationship to start visits between them as there would need to be hardly any communication with me.

He would check his email every day to see if his dad had responded. Not a sausage...

Then yesterday - out of the blue - L got a postcard from Poland from his dad.

well thanks a lot mate - L spend most of yesterday in tears and will be upset for several days. He was talking to one of his twitter pals and told them he was having a bad day. When he told her why she said "well at least he has sent something" and L said "I'd rather he didn't".

He doesn't mean that though - he really wants to see his dad.

It is such a shame. I think it's to do with pride and intransigence and maybe even intending to hurt me. I just want to somehow tell him what he is missing by not spending time with this fantastic boy. His dad could teach him so much and as a scientist would really be able to inspire him. He could learn alot from his son too who is so loving.

Of course he also misses all the difficult bits, which his stepdad deals with. Like today.

Well his step dad has taken him out to play football in the park to try to cheer him up. His dad is missing that too!

I hope his dad might read this and understand that his son (deep down) really needs to see him. I also worry that one day he will meet his dad and he will say I stopped him seeing him. But I have a box full of evidence of my attempts to encourage regular contact. A parcel twice a year and a monthly payment into my bank account does not really cut it dad...

standing on the shoulders of giants...

2009-06-22T16:24:00.006+01:00

This image is called 'Standing on the shoulders of Giants'. It is my son on the Giants Causeway in Northern Ireland but it is accompanying this blog post because of the title and in acknowledgement of how much I have learned from two of my friends and colleagues.

I have waited years for an opportunity to articulate my thoughts on learning literacies in a way that may be heard.

As a librarian in the education field I have always been concerned with information literacy. What used to really drive me potty in the Higher Education institutions I worked in were the barriers I had to break down to get academic teams to engage with this and see it as crucial for their students (whether undergraduates or postgraduates).

I had the occasional coup and got invited onto some course planning meetings to discuss the potential for integrating information literacy within the curricula. The needs of Distance Learning Students was always a useful way in to these discussions. So was broadening the defintion of information literacy (seen by many academic colleagues as being library literacy - how to use the catalogue!) to include plagiarism, critical literacy and digital literacy. I tried to get people to use the term Learning Literacies as a way of not thinking in narror terms... often a lone voice with little or no impact... I eventually moved into elearning work but was still concerned with working towards embedding learning literacies within the curricula.

I was really pleased to recently join two brilliant colleagues to undertake a study into learning literacies for JISC - Helen Beetham and Allison Littlejohn. The intellectual rigour and research experience that they brought to the study was fantastic and I found it a great learning experience. The study has just been completed and is available to download as a pdf document. It is fairly extensive so we have also produced an Executive summary.

Thriving in the 21st century: Learning Literacies for the Digital Age (LLiDA project). Helen Beetham, Lou McGill, Prof. Allison Littlejohn. June 2009 (pdf)
Thriving in the 21st century: Learning Literacies for the Digital Age (LLiDA project). Executive Summary, Conclusions and Recommendations. Helen Beetham, Lou McGill, Prof. Allison Littlejohn. June 2009 (pdf)

We have also presented the report on our project wiki which includes the tools and some best practice snapshots.

The study examined the following issues:

What skills and aptitudes we should be focusing on (current frameworks for learning literacies)
How these requirements may be changing due to new demands and opportunities
What provision is currently being made at a snapshot of UK HE and FE institutions
What examples of excellent practice we can identify which point the way towards better provision and more effective learner support

I really enjoyed working with Helen and Allison - the study certainly offered value for money with a series of institutional audits and snapshots of best practice to augment the desk based research.

The report includes some general recommendations as listed below (these recommendations are expanded on in the report....). There are also recommendations around institutional provision and some specific recommendations for JISC.

But look at number 2 and 5 - and it's not just me saying it....

1.Tutors need to be proactive in helping learners to develop learning and digital literacies

2. Learning and digital literacies need to be embedded into the curriculum

3. Learners need to be engaged in their own development

4. Academic staff need to be engaged in rethinking their own knowledge practices

5. Information literacy needs to be broadened to include – or needs to be supplemented with - communication and media literacies

6. Employability needs to be more carefully and critically defined

I hope you enjoy reading the report - do get back to us if you have any queries or comments.

new blog launched

2009-05-28T22:46:00.004+01:00

I've decided to keep a separate wedding photography blog so that any potential clients don't have to wade through lots of other stuff.

Go and take a look...

http://ithadtobeyouweddingphotography.blogspot.com/

This now means I have 4 websites and 2 blogs to maintain - perhaps I need to simplify my life; ))

I have recently revamped my websites. I have changed them around so that the wedding photography site is now a non-flash site which is more friendly for search engines. It has also gone from a black to white background which apparently brides prefer (so says someone in a SWPP (Society of Wedding & Portrait Photographers) forum.

Wedding photography website:
www.ithadtobeyou.co.uk

Art photography website:
www.loumcgill.com

Fora anyone interested in the educational consultancy work and wants to see the CV then I'm at www.loumcgill.co.uk

for moira

2009-04-09T00:42:00.003+01:00

"Now wakes the hour,
Now sleeps the swan
Behold the dream
The dream is gone”
Pink Floyd

way back in may I was writing a blog post and mentioned that a woman's body had been found in our park - Queens Park in Glasgow. It's a fantastic park and is used in many ways by many people, but it is hard to go there anymore or drive past it without thinking about moira jones.

Moira suffered a terrible attack and died at the hands of a drunken violent man - it's been written about enough - but we need to remember her for her life, her family and for all women who are vulnerable to such behaviour. For any woman, whether or not she has endured violence, it is sickening to read of the pain and terror she suffered.

I feel for her family and her friends, and her partner whose last moments with her involved a row (according to the press). I also feel for those people who heard or witnessed something but never did anything about it. It guts me to think about this but I do understand - our society does not really support any other kind of behaviour.

Once when I was 18 I was being beaten on a busy street on christmas eve by my boyfirend who had been drinking all day - no one helped - no one did anything - so it goes it seems.

this is not OK - if you ever hear a person in distress you must try to help in some way - not to put yourself in danger but at least try to do something. And I say person because it is not just women that suffer abuse like this. I am trying really hard not to go into a rant...

feel like a small voice today but just wanted to say sorry to moira - sorry that no one could help... sorry that so many people were so close but couldn't hear

todays photo is from queens park and is called 'the dream is gone'

good intentions

2009-03-27T13:23:00.010Z

I attended the Intrallect conference in Edinburgh yesterday - Open Educational Repositories – Share, Improve, Reuse. It was a two day conference but unfortunately I was unable to attend the first day.

I delivered the keynote presentation on the research study report Good ntentions:improving the evidence base in support of sharing learning materials and later ran a Workshop on open educational resources (OERs) with my friend and colleague Sarah Currier. I had a great day and the buzz throughout the day was great.

I welcomed the opportunity to talk about the Good intentions study as it was released just before the Christmas holidays and didn't have a very high profile. The outcomes of the study were a report and a series of business cases and I've discussed it before in a previous 'sharings' post. The presentation slides are on slideshare and is also available on the intrallect website.

Good Intentions: improving the evidence base in support of sharing learning materials

View more presentations from loumcgill.

On April 1st this slideshow was featured as a spotlight on the Education page!

It was the first time we had the opportunity to present the study to others (apart from delivering the report to JISC and our group of eminent critical friends) although it was included in the references list of the recent JISC OER call.

It generally received a very positive reaction and the business cases (presented in a series of tables) were noted as potentially very useful. In fact it has been my intention to develop these tables into a usable tool for institutions and managers of repositories to use to help identify which models of sharing (both formal and informal) are most approrpriate - depending on which benefits they hope to achieve. Whilst the tables can be used to do this a user firendly tool could really make this information more accessible. I hope to talk to JISC further about this.

One of the slides identifies our approach to developing the business cases and highlights why we think they are useful to a range of stakeholders - they could:

be a mechanism to help people decide which business model/s to adopt as appropriate
offer a process to automatically generate a context specific business case to support funding requests
encourage an approach which starts with the needs (required benefits) not a preferred model
emphasize that no one model fits all and often a combination of models may be appropriate depending on the context
help to prioritise benefits and recognise that by making some business model choices certain benefits are more difficult to achieve
support a dialogue within institutions by identifying what benefits the institution and wider community already enjoy from existing sharing activities

One of the areas we focussed on in the study was Open Educational Resources (oers) and in the workshop session later in the day several people highlighted their need to encourage academics to share and consider opening up their learning resources. During the discussion we agreed that giving people a choice in how open they wanted to be (ie who they feel comfortable sharing with) was key to encouraging sharing. This was reflected in the research study by several of the models we looked at. It was also suggested by one of the delegates that if we changed the word 'share' to 'publish' that academics may be less reluctant to deposit content in repositories. We also talked about letting students have access to repositories, trying to consider how we can make our contant available in their spaces, and the inportance of services to support and enhance teaching practice through Communities of Practice (CoP) approaches.

Great discussions - thanks to all for your input on the day. The photo to accompany this post is a polaroid shot of a picnic which we shared at a flickr meetup...

digital literacy

2009-03-27T09:34:00.011Z

Why do I really dislike the term 'digital literacy'.

history
Part of it is due to history - we've been through a whole range of terminology starting with the change of library and information skills and computer skills to information literacy and computer literacy. Whilst these new terms broadened the landscape and tried to articulate that both of these areas were not just about skills with tools but about transferable skills and deeper conceptual learning. We also had (often not connected to these terms) the whole range of academic/study and research literacies which were the province of a whole different group of people- academics.

Then we tried the term 'e-literacy' which seemed fairly sensible considering the increased use of the term e-learning. None of the current debates seem to mention this term - is it due to embarassment now? Many of the people who contributed to the debates around e-literacy (which were just as passionate and covered the same stuff - different tools maybe but the literacies were the same - how to make best use of electronic tools and communication mechanism in life, work and learning) came from the computer and information literacy fields and gradually started involving more academics. Are the people involved in the current debate from different groups - learning technologists and educational developers? Is that why we seem to not be acknowledging the work from the past on this?

Skills...
I always has a BIG problem with the term e-literacy because of the focus on the 'e' and for I dislike the term digital literacy for the emphasis on the 'digital'. I feel that the use of these terms can result in people focussing on the technologies. This can mean that people concentrate on the skills to use these and not the underlying drivers, approaches and mechanisms needed to support development of the various competencies that make up these literacies. The Dearing Report and the whole govt focus on the skills agenda also impacts on this. Hence my concerns - if the govt drivers shape the institutional drivers and the focus is employability then what happens to the need to enhance the capacity of student to learn in a broad sense - to become lifelong learners. The term literacy in itself has always been contentious too and is hated by many. I prefer it to skills for that breadth that it offers us.

These terms are broad descriptions of a range of different literacies - some of which are important in life, some in learning and some in a work/professional context (and many which cross all three). Here is a link to a mind map which looks at some of these.

We have spent a huge amount of time with these definitions and if a government or European body takes up on one and produces a definition we are often led by this.

I am torn about the current digital literacy 'flavour of the month' terminology. It has caught on beyond the educational sector and is referred to in UK govt, documents so at least I should be pleased that it is actually on the agenda in a big way. It gives many of us who have been working in this area (on the outside or in silos) a chance to finally use this to highlight our work and our efforts within institutions. However the latest announcement about changing the primary school curriculum again focuses on tools that may not even be used in 5 years time! I rest my case...

I guess I'm just a bit jaded by terminology debates.

institution-wide strategies and frameworks
What I think is actually more important and does deserve our time and energy is that we look at those component literacies/skills/competencies and think about how we, as educators and as educational instituions, can support learners to develop these to interact, learn, contribute and enhance their lives. At the moment provision from educational institutions is still piecemeal, and many institutions would find it challenging to articulate how they support all of these literacies, but a few HE institutions are starting to take an institution-wide view and are developing their own frameworks. Halleluyah!!!!

Lots more to come about this in the new LLiDA (Learning Literacies for the Digital Age) report - coming very soon!

Big rant over - will be joining digilit debate later today - so likely to come back to this post later. also need to add in refs to support my outragous pontifications too...

Ada Lovelace Day

2009-03-24T00:36:00.002Z

Ada Lovelace Day is an international day of blogging to draw attention to women excelling in technology.

I work with loads of fabulous women who contribute to the world in many ways (including the technological disciplines) All of these women are highly multi-talented and not only defined by their contributions to technology. But today is an opportunity to celebrate them all. I made a wordle to highlight some of those I work with or admire.

I have to highlight one woman and so am picking Lorna Campbell from JISC CETIS because her contribution to educational technology is unquestionable. Her gentle but authoritative approach is admirable and her power is always evident. She never pushes herself forward and I think it is time for us to acknowledge the great contribution she makes to JISC development teams, programmes and projects.

I also really admire her fabulous brain, her humanity and sense of humour, her choice in films and music, and her uncanny ability to turn grown techies to mush...

with deep respect Lorna - Happy Ada Lovelace Day....

weddings

2009-02-22T00:33:00.005Z

I have started a wedding photography business - one of the most intense jobs you could try to do. The day is so important for the couple that you could really muck up if you failed to deliver. I am being very cautious about who I accept as clients though and am making sure that I feel I can deliver what they need. I focus on a 'reportage' style which aims to capture the story of the day and ends up with less than the usual forced poses and smiles.

There are so many great things about capturing a wedding day and I get such a massive buzz from doing it. You could say you are on a winner if you look at it really positively:

most people at a wedding are feeling happy and your job is to capture this
couples are usually 'in love' and therefore shine with this
often clients become friends because they like your photography and your photography reflects you and the way you respond to them
the competition don''t always reflect such a committed attitude or such high quality
you can offer an alternative or different style

on the other hand

it is a highly competative business and some established companies have excellent services
the recession could have a very negative impact on a fledgling business

I have had some great feedback already and have got more bookings from some of my early weddings. My wedding books have been very successful and have already brought new clients to my door. The beauty of this is that they can already see the kind of approach, styles and outputs that you offer.

I have a wedding website called ithadtobeyou and I have a couple of books to view as well. One of the things I like about my website is the noir section where this photo is included. Other galleries include 'stylish' 'elegant' 'romantic' 'intimate' 'vintage' and another favourite 'lomo' where I include the toy camera wedding photos....

I like working for clients who are open to a range of photography and processing styles. I have also managed to get my partner to work with me as a second photographer which makes a great difference. I do all the front of house engaging work and all the photo processing, but to have two people recording the day is invaluable.

This is what one of my favourite couples said,,,

'Well, for us, it just had to be Lou and Tim!

Our wedding was the happiest day of our lives, and we feel so lucky that Lou and Tim were there to record it. In fact, they were as much a part of the day as any of our guests. The sheer style and outstanding quality of their work speaks for itself. What may not be apparent from the photographs, but which was every bit as important to us, was the care and individual attention bestowed on us before, during and after our wedding day. Their work surpassed our expectations in every respect, and we have an album of wonderful images to cherish along with our memories.'

sharings

2009-02-02T11:24:00.009Z

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions...."
Samuel Johnson

This quotation was used to open the report Good intentions: improving the evidence base in support of sharing learning materials submitted to JISC in late December 2008 by myelf, Sarah Currier, Charles Duncan and Peter Douglas. The report offers an historical view of sharing learning materials in the UK, a description of existing business models to support sharing and a discussion around two focus areas in particular - open sharing and subject-based sharing. The accompanying business case tables could be ustilised/developed into a practical tool to help institutions consider existing sharing (and the benefits this brings) as well as providing an opportunity to consider the benefits they hope to achieve and which sharing approaches may be most appropriate for their institution.

The opening quotation aims to reflect the fact that there is a long history of significant work to encourage sharing. The vision has been around for some time - we always had good intentions - even though we didn't always get it right. Many of the early models to support sharing of learning resources are currently being revised due to lessons learned and a significantly changing landscape. The report concludes that some of these emerging models can support the kinds of benefits that we have always hoped sharing would bring. The potentials offered by open educational resources and social software for Communities of Practice to share practice and materials is significant but there is still a place for more formal managed repositories too.

Of course there are still significant issues around whether academics want to share learning resources - although there seems to be no disinclination to share practice. What is clear is that funders and institutions continue to desire such sharing, not least to reduce duplication, and encourage use of publicly funded resources. Incentives and reward emerge as significant issues, as does an understanding of the likely benefits to learners, teachers, institutions and the wider community.

The timing of the report's release was less than ideal as Christmas holidays quickly followed, but it has been referred to in the recent JISC call around open content. I would be interested if you have any feedback on the report and possible potential of the business case tables.

The image to accompany this post is actually called 'heaven' and is a triple exposure hogla shot on 120 film. It offers a positive future vision for sharing.

home learnings

2009-01-15T22:30:00.005Z

we are now really immersed in the home learning and are trying a new routine where each day we do one hour of intense one to one work followed by one hour of self-directed learning. The rest of the time tends to be flexible and of course home learning happens all the time wherever we happen to be.

On this blog I hope to engage with some of the common questions that arise whenever we tell people that we do home learning. These will not be knew to anyone who does this. Every taxi driver in Glasgow has an opinion, as does every family member, shop assistant, and health care professional.

It's almost as if choosing to opt out is a slur on their choice not to. We got harangued by a taxi driver yesterday for being different and opting out - can't say I always deal well with this yet so we just adopted a perky 'we're happy with our decision' response. Was tempted to garotte him from behind as he spouted, ranted and shouted (which was really not OK for Laurie) but decided it was best to make sure we actually arrived at out destination...

what really annoys me though i that I'm so well conditioned that I still gave him a good tip - doh!!! get a grip girl - maybe next time.

One of the key questions that people ask is 'what do you do about socialisation'. Of course this question stems from the basic misconception that sitting in a classroom with 30 other people of the same age, surviving the chaos of the dining room, the harsh playground and the enforced collaborative learning activities all result in positive social experiences. Well I do admit it can teach you deal with negative social experiences and may sometimes be positive.

Laurie may have an ASD but like many kids with Aspergers he craves connection with other children. Our solution is to connect to other families that home educate. I am a member of several forums that share information
Schoolhouse
HE Special
Education Otherwise

The Scottish group - Schoolhouse has a very active mailing list and the level of sharing and information exchange and support is amazing (as is the HE special group - vital for anyone with a child with different wiring). From the Scottish those who live in Glasgow have started regular group meetings and activities. We have a two hour sport session at Kelvin Sports Hall on Mondays and a two hour activity session in Hyndland on Thursdays. We have also been on several museum visits and workhops and we're off to a castle next wednesday.

Laurie is loving it (although we often pay for it later as it does overtimulate him dramatically). Sometimes we have to cancel all activities the day after as he recovers, but the best thing is that he has a new best friend. They talk endlessly about star wars and play football together.

So there we are - question number one dealt with - are you happy now people? Or are you still really a bit bothered at our radical decision...

how dare we dare to be different...

revampings

2008-12-21T19:14:00.008Z

have decided to change the apperance of the blog in light of my new approach to incoprporate all elements of life...

it has pink instead of dark black - maybe about to have a girly phase (slightly unlikely) but is lighter and brighter - hoping for a lighter and brighter new year too (well it may happen).

working my way up to doing a top ten tools and technology entry a la steve wheeler's blog covering a range of elearning top tens (so high fidelity). actually must say I wanted to hate the film cause the book was set in the UK and I have lived with that guy (or I may be that guy) however John Cusack did convert me somewhat; )

must warn you though i do not have an ipod (well of course I am still into vinyl) or an iphone and therefore do not understand half of the tweets I see. my list is likely to be a bit low tech and not very geeky.

I am resisting getting an ipod and an Asus eepc but have alot of photogtaphic technologies on my list of must have technologies. have just got a fabulous rollei 35 and an olympus pen camera. so old fashioned of me - but I do scan from film and store and share digitally.

Haven't got any prints from these yet but in the spirit of keeping the analogue alive here is a holga toy camera 120mm shot...

double exposure with doris day

reworkings

2008-12-20T18:05:00.007Z

I was on the verge of starting a few new blogs - one for my photography, one for the home learning and one for my education consultancy work...

but wait a minute - that was the old lou (the librarian who wanted to classify and compartmentalise her life)...

so I've decided to stick with this one, tag like a demon and hope that the whole comes together...

I have spent the last few years banging on about an holistic approach to learning... so let's see if the pudding is good.

I mix all these aspects of my life together and each enriches the other - so this year I'm going to give it a try...

I'm not fully convinced yet (with serious control freakish tendancies) - a big part of me wants to add classification (of the faceted kind of course) and labels...

why am I taking this approach - well it's partly to do with the twitter discussions at james clay's blog

I'm of the lets mix it all up variety - yes I want to hear great brains thinking hard but I like to know that those great brains drink coffee, go shopping, and play bingo.

now I'd like to add a photo of me playing bingo but I haven't got one - yet... so I could show a photo of a coffee cup but I haven't got one - yet... so here is a fisheye lens lomo 35mm film shot of the window in my office...

and if you haven't got twitter yet - you are not alone but spend a day using twitterfox and you'll probably get it...

and if you do come along and follow me... but not in a stalking way of course...

revivings

2008-12-11T00:07:00.005Z

here we are again. doing a mad catchup. so in short. finished job. didn't sell flat. still in glasgow. doing home learning. being an eLearning consultant and wedding photographer.

have been very busy. still not got back onto flickr. now have several websites for various compartments of my life. jump off point is www.loumcgill.co.uk

just published my first photography book (as opposed to wedding, party or Laurie book). it has a pic of my dad on the cover that I really like.

same horizon.d...

By Lou McGill

Book Preview

restartings

2008-05-29T23:27:00.009+01:00

But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking?
- the entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in,
in to the central catacomb;
the self that took the veil and left the world - a coward perhaps,
yet somehow beautiful,
as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.
Virginia Woolf

well I thought the last few years had taught me patience and they have - but there is always room for more - yes great goddess I've got the message...

So we put an offer in on a lovely flat in Dunoon in February.... yes that does seem like such a long time ago.

Then I gave in my (3 months) notice (which is nearly at an end)...

Our flat goes up for sale and after endless cleaning and perfecting we get a reasonable offer (considering the current climate).

so we accept the offer and all seems to be proceeding.

Then the day after the bank holiday (memorial day to you US folks) we find out that our buyer has withdrawn her offer.

hey bloody ho..

actually Ifeel really sad for her cause it's not her fault at all ( and we would have waited) so sorry that she must be feeling so bad.

we're just moving on and waiting for the next offer. hoping that the dunoon people can be patient for a bit longer.

but in the end it's all so unimportant. They found a dead body in our park this morning- happens everywhere all the time and we moan on and on about meaningless stuff.

I'm thinking of taking the veil...

exhibitings

2008-05-10T09:31:00.009+01:00

Over a year ago I made a series of images for a flickr group called das kabinet which was one of my favourite groups. Some of these images are now actually in an exhibition of contemporary landscape photography entitled Open Range. The exhibition is in Battle in East Sussex at the Independent Photographers Gallery. I couldn't get to the preview night due to difficulties getting there from Glasgow.

Shame to miss the preview night of your first ever exhibition so I haven't even seen what the photos look like on the walls. However I have sold two of them so I am very happy about that.

This is a great start to my new life which begins very soon! I can't wait to spend more time with my son and my photography. May even get back onto flickr to play a bit and blog alot more regularly.

The flat is sold and the Dunoon property still going ahead so by the end of July we should be moving 'doon the water'. Hallelujah for that!

perfectings

2008-03-12T21:09:00.008Z

Well if I'm not an aspie then I guess I'm a fairly obsessive perfectionist. This seems to be affecting most parts of my life.

In my work I get quite stressed out if I can't do my job really well - which I often can't due to the sheer amount of what I need to get done. This does not make me happy. I see Laurie having the same reaction to his homework. If every letter of his sentence is not technically perfect then he has to rub it out and start again. requires the patience and understanding of a saint...

At home we've been preparing our flat to put up for sale (for six months!!!!!!!!)

so how come even with a for sale sign up outside the bloody bath surround was still not done...

so with the prospect of viewings tomorrow I had to find a fabulous hero to come and fix it at no notice and godammit I found one on the internet.

now I know why I got rid of the telephone directories.

I rang the number at about 11.00 and got a lovely woman who understood my plight, got her man on the case and by 4.30 today it was done. Here are the details for my hero joiner and handyman who did a fab job...

so now at 9.30pm I feel that I need to prime the wood, and give it two coats of eggshell... what part of 'you don't need to do this' can't you understand Lou?

I also made Tim spend the whole weekend painting, tidying and cleaning. I even re-stained all the floors in the flat (no mean feat at all).

But at last the flat is looking splendiferous and is up for sale. So if you know of anyone who really needs a fantastic 5 bedroom apartment in the upcoming, and very trendy, southside of Glasgow then please call in and have a look.

Just give me enough warning to

clean the floors, cooker and mirrors
put all the rugs down which have been taken up because tammy still hasn't sorted out her bladder
put new cream duvets with no dog hairs or paw prints on the beds
put the air freshners on and then turn them off in time not to be overpowering
turn all the lights on
carefully position all the shiny display type things to make it look as if we are actually really interesting

At least I didn't give in to Tim's idea of leaving posy design magazines on the coffee table - a step too far for me....

the picture of my fab kitchen (designed by me and supplied by ikea) links to the estate agent website - for those who'd like a nosey...

resignings

2008-02-28T18:46:00.007Z

I resigned from my job yesterday... and I'm feeling very lighthearted. From June 2008 I'll be 40K a year worse off and 100% free to pursue a wide range of things I want to do...

very odd but on the same day I made my first sale to a publisher for one of my photos. A small step (and not a brilliant sale in terms of renumeration) but significant in many ways. I'm taking it as a sign of very good karma about this big decision....

even more interesting is that it is one of my photos that I really like and hadn't even thought about selling. it's from my trip to china a few years ago and is a wall painting in a daoist temple of the eight immortals - so also significant content in relation to losing some of the more material aspects of my existence... and it's for a book about world religions so I'll get a free copy to add to my collection on spirituality, religion and philosophy. Here is the photo and the quote that went with it on flickr...

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Lao Tze

Tim thinks I'm barmy of course seeing significance in the coincidences but I'm enjoying them alot...

so the first steps are taken - the fool on her new journey....

preparings

2008-02-22T18:00:00.010Z

We're off 'doon the water' as they say in Glasgow.

We've had an offer accepted on a house in Dunoon, which is in Argyll and Bute on the West coast of Scotland.

We are all fairly excited but it isn't planned to happen until the end of May.

This allows enough time to sell our fab flat in Glasgow and for me to work out my notice.

So the home education plan moves on... I will contact the Argyll and Bute council to discuss the possibilities offered by the local grammar school but it does have over 1000 pupils and I personally cannot imagine that this would be OK for Laurie.

There is some debate about the optimum size for a school community to thrive and I'll try to find some and point to it later. However this is largely academic to us as most of that research would not take into account the need for schools to support children with autism by generally minimising the amount of sensory overload they might encounter. It seems logical that the more students there are the more noise, distractions, potential for hidden bullying and chaos there are.

Well we'll see when I talk to them. For now I need to concentrate on working my notice, selling the flat and organising the move.

Worst bit of course is all the damn cleaning in preparation for people to come and look around. That and pretending that we don't have two large smelly dogs...

new beginnings

2008-02-15T22:58:00.008Z

frozen in time

It feels like we are coming out of hibernation...

So much has happened that I don't have time to do write it all down, but I think we're coming back to the blogging and soon to the home education...

laurie is due to start secondary school this year and it has focussed our thoughts for a long time. I have spent hours looking for a school small enough to replicate his current small primary school in Govan. Shame we can't replicate the head teacher and her staff because he is still doing fantastically well at that school.

We are just not prepared to set him up to fail in a large secondary school where people have no concept of him and his needs. The fact that he is so high functioning means that people just do not see how differently his brain does work. He has also got much better at masking things (like when he doesn't understand the instructions, etc.) He just works it out himself eventually and quietly and then completes the task. He is desperate to start learning 'real' things. He wants academic challenge.

So I am going to do this with him. We will be interpreting the term home education broadly to encompass a wide range of activities, both academic and practical. We will be doing solitary and social learning and sometimes it will be well structured (because he likes that) and other times we'll let our hair down a bit. Our home education won't just be happening in the home but it may include rearing chickens and growing some of our own food.

I can't wait....

We contemplated us both giving up our jobs and moving to Orkney (yes a bit drastic but very nearly happened last September but didn't work out). The plan is now for me to finish work in time to start the secondary education phase while Tim stays in his job. We'll sell the grand flat in Glasgow and downsize. We 're planning to move to the country (maybe in Argyll & Bute)...

I am going to try to make some money with a bit of elearning consultancy and my photography. I've been working on a new website and not had any time for flickr or the blogging. Maybe I can start to catch up again with my non work life!

the new photography website...

bullyings...

2007-06-23T00:43:00.002+01:00

A year ago I was writing about my son being bullied. I remember all the things I said to try to help him deal with it. None of it worked, none of it was satisfactory and I knew it all the time...

Well I myself had been bullied before he was born - as an adult in the workplace... it had taken a few years for me to actually realise what was going on. By then my self esteem was so low that I had started to expect it, think I deserved it because I hadn't challenged it... In fact it wasn't until I finally left that I fully realised the serious impact it had on my life.

Now how dangerous is that?

I am actually a very strong person, capable and intelligent, funny and personable. I'm old enough to know that; ) What is so strange about the impact of bullying though is that by the time you've worked out what is actually going on - you are tied into behaviours that make it very difficult to challenge.

This is true in both work and social situations for adults, where etiquette, power relationships and such bollocks mean that initially you try to pass off/gloss over/forgive what may appear to be rudeness.

It doesn't help if you actually care about people and understand why they may be bullying you. If you constantly make allowances because they have had a hard time, have issues etc. you make small allowances. each small allowance seems to be a signal...

"yes next time be even ruder, disempower me totallly. i am not important enough to have an opinion of value."

Despite having been through this before myself. Despite trying to help my own son having to deal with it every day. I still allow people to do this to me.

I am so annoyed at myself today... and so upset that I can barely speak.

I am so NOT going to let this continue...
I have actually had enough....

this is the person you are hurting...

still at least I have great inspiration now for the utataspeaks project...

youtubings

2007-06-04T00:34:00.004+01:00

yes another youtube photo montage...

it isn't going to change the world but hell - someone might see it and think just a little bit longer...

returnings

2007-06-01T17:54:00.002+01:00

Well only 7 months since my last post...

I think the build up to the big Make School Make Sense Campaign by the NAS, and the commitment and energy it required, coupled with 8 months of exhausting emotional strain just took effect.

We needed a break... and we've had one

And we're back!

How easy it is to lose momentum - not that I haven't been busy.

The photography continues - and I've been really busy getting into film and continuing my toy camera addiction. I have just got a new/old hasselblad (she is gorgeous) and I'm about to really statr experimenting with that.

But what people really want to know about is how Laurie's doing...

Well all I can say is he is doing incredibly well. Still at the fantastic school in Govan. He still has some lovely pals and is enjoying school as a whole experience. I know - how amazing is that?

I'll update more on him later which will include new found passions for acting and horse riding, whilst continuing the writing, chess and obsessive yu-gi-oh and pokemon stuff.

I am working on a new website to show my photos and have just made my first Youtube video. Have one on autism planned but this one is just about people...
remember my name....

drama queenings

2006-10-31T23:15:00.002Z

yaaay

it's make school make sense launch day in Scotland.

there has been loads of press interest and it tied in with an HMI report also launched today about the shoddy state of affairs in Scotland.

we arrived at school this morning - just in time cause I got lost trying to avoid the traffic (which really stressed laurie out) to have all his classmates run over and say they'd seen us on tv. we were surprised cause we don't watch breakfast tv.

they'd put a short version on (the one that is currently on the website). it didn't include Laurie speaking but the evening one was slightly extended to include a bit of his interview about them letting him have quiet space. he was pleased about this. the video link (to the top right of the page will be there for a day).

I just hope the previous headmistress was watching!!!! we were really well behaved and all the time never mentioned which school we had all the difficulty with. took a fairly positive approach. we were in the Glasgow herald education supplement today but no photo.

then tonight had a photographer around to take shots to accompany an article and interview in tomorrow's scotsman newspaper.

we had a quiet halloween and to avoid the trick or treaters we went to the cinema together.

tim has just walked in through the door, back from korea with presents - so have to stop blogging!

really wanted to include a smiley pic for today (and did post one on flickr) but just prefer this one...

performings

2006-10-30T19:26:00.002Z

wow - what a day

in addition to normal work and the online tutoring course today was a mass of phone calls to sort out media stuff for the National Autistic Society 'Make Schools Make sense Campaign'

Tomorrow is the big launch in Scotland. I was supposed to go to Holyrood (Scottish Parliament) but can't cause Tim is still in Korea. The school press photos didn't materialise yet but the BBC came round to our flat tonight to record somthing for tomorrows regional news (BBC Scotland).

It was very rushed, highly nerveracking and I'm sure I looked like an idiot. Laurie was really nervous and, of course, the big bright light didn't help his autistic sensibilities. We had just got back from school pick-up so didn't even have time to brush hair, check wobbly bits, etc...

he did brilliantly though and got to have a feel for the fancy gear...

not only that he has got a part in the christmas pantomime as the king in a sleeping beauty performance. he is so chuffed (poncy british word meaning very very happy).

All this star stuff may go to his head.

The TV bit will be on BBC Scotland tomorrow night - 31st at 6.30. It will also be on the web site for about a day or so.

poor old tim missed it all so we'll have to tape it for him. he's back late tomorrow night... hector the wonderdog will be beside himself as he's been pining away...

ramblings

2006-10-27T22:39:00.001+01:00

well they say you shouldn't tempt fate - the bloody magic stick (sorry staff) has broken in two. the amber eyes stayed stuck in but it happened on the morning he was going back to school after the holidays!!!!

5 minutes before leaving he was swishing it around (tchew tchew) when hector the wonderdog ran into it and broke it right in the middle.

talk about tears - we've promised to stick it back together and bind it with some string etc., etc.

anyway back at school and doing fine!!!! yaaaay - still amazed.

he cried all the way there on wednesday because tim has gone away to korea for a week for work. aw sweet...

I've been totally barmy and as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups and dog walking and housework and cooking and my normal job - I've also been an online tutor for Oxford Brookes University. It's a great course and I'm really enjoying it, but today I didn't get to sit down at the computer till late and I was just too tired. will make up tomorrow.

I am always over committing myself - one of those really annoying natural volunteers. At least my colleagues at work try to stop me doing it now.

Ohh and watch this space as the National Autistic Society are launching the 'Make school make sense' campaign in Scotland on 31st October. I've done my interview with the journalist and they may be taking photos of Laurie for the Glasgow Herald educational supplement next Tuesday and also for the Times Educatonal Supplement. Cool - we really get to support this really important campaign and Laurie says he'll be even more famous!

I think his flickr celebrity may have gone to his head; )

and I'm also supposed to be writing 5 things feminism has done for me cause I received a blog meme from Nicki. Haven't had time to think but did post this abstract photo which reminded me of a woman spinning and of stuff I used to read about women weaving communities and connecting things. Not in the sense of a spinning top which is often what I look like; )

imaginings

2006-10-21T20:57:00.001+01:00

tim calls it "la la land" which does make me smile and laurie laughs at it too.

still it doesn't stop him spending all his time there. throughout the day he can be hard going "tcheeew tcheeew" and swinging his sword/light sabre/magic staff around and asking if I think his technique has improved.

of course with his technique he can slay a thousand orcs/dragons/enemy archers...

my favourite is the magic staff which we found on a forest walk and really does have a dragon head. we found some real amber (tree resin) on the same day and have made some jewel eyes.

the staff is truly magical - I need to try not to say "stop swinging that stick around" because it really annoys him

but he keeps dropping the bloody thing and apart from the noise I worry that the jewels will fall out and the resulting catastrophe will be too hard to bear...

here is one of this pics from the day he found the magic staff...

mummyings...

2006-10-20T00:00:00.001+01:00

I took a photo today which captures the soul and the heart of my boy...

I cannnot stop looking at it...

I am in awe...

avengings

2006-10-13T18:46:00.001+01:00

just because everything is going so well doesn't mean I have forgotten...

I will not stop fighting for the rights of people with autism to be understood

and I often feel like this...
nemesis

Nemesis, winged balancer of life,
dark-faced goddess, daughter of Justice
Mesomedes

smilings

2006-10-12T22:21:00.001+01:00

it's been a while again due to work and stuff but the amazing news is - things are still going really well. the school is working out so well and we continue to have a happy boy...

I was away a bit this week and when I got back he was very giggly and talking about girlfriends!!! of course none of them will ever be good enough for my son; ) how great is that - he still talks about his friends and his writing and we have even sorted out some after school care which has made our lives easier.

we went for a meeting with the school and they said they couldn't imagine the class without him now and he won a citizenship award for helping others and encouraging them to read and write. some of the kids were not interested at all in writing before laurie turned up with his story blog and the dream of being a writer.

todays photo is all about blue skies and dreaming!

whistlings

2006-09-21T23:58:00.001+01:00

I have a very happy boy - and that does make a change.

he loves his new school!!!!!

there have been a few blips and a few phonecalls with the new headmistress - which was expected. they are dealing with it very well so far.

despite this he loves it.

he is enjoying learning again

he has some pals

the kids are really making an effort...

he has made a positive impact on the class. he intoduced them to his blog and writing stories. they are al doing it now - at playtime for fun.

they all want to be famous and live in LA - so it goes...

here is my new whistling boy - may not last but fun for a while...

celebratings

2006-09-10T20:30:00.001+01:00

such stunning news...

Laurie had a full week at school and he is still enjoying it...

he described it as 'a lovely school'
he said it was a million times better than the last one...

we spent the whole week waiting for the bad day... it didn't happen...yet

WOW this feels so strange...

the National Autistic Society contacted me about the Make School Make Sense Campaign being launched on 31st October in Scotland.

our story is going to be used as a case study - great...

we are feeling fairly positive - for a change

a happy photo for a change...

bettings

2006-08-30T21:20:00.001+01:00

well if you'd asked me to put £20 down on the chance that today would go well - I wouldn't have gone for it on any odds (not that I understand the difference between 5-1 or 20-1)

1) I felt guilty at not being there (and had a wobbly start to the day)
2) I knew Laurie would be feeling very nervous
3) I've lost the ability to be totally optimistic

OK - so how did it go.

I think I've said before that we use numbers to measure how Laurie feels about things (he's comfortable with numbers). And today was..... (triumphant fanfare - but quiet for those with sensory sensitivities)...

nine and three quaters out of 10!!!!!

woah. big result. not many things get such a high result. Considering his days at the last school were in the minus figures and we haven't gone over five since we went to the Steiner school (which we failed to get in - see earlier post).

It's early days and we have learned to be philosophical...

there will be a honeymoon period BUT

he had a great day despite a teary start.

My son rocks big time - he is so brave and so open to new possibilities (despite the aspergers)

He talked for half an hour on the phone about his day and he described the group work session as 'good fun'.

so here I am daring to hope.

would I bet on the future - NO

but I may be a bit more hopeful. I've forgotten how to celebrate a good day. Maybe I'll get a bit more practice. Maybe not....

here I am waving to the future...

wild imaginings

2006-08-29T20:26:00.001+01:00

wow - the visit to the new school went really well.

Laurie was really positive and the environment felt very gentle (despite being in one of the most deprived areas of Glasgow). The staff were fantastic and we had a really useful conversation about a plan for integrating him into the school.

The school only has 100 pupils (instead of the planned 400) so there is lots of space and quiet areas. Laurie went off with his teacher and met his new class. There is a boy with tourettes syndrome who looked after him. They had a great time. There are only 16 others in his class. maybe this could work...

So here is the plan...

instead of a slow transition we are going for a full time start (due to his positive response) from... tomorrow!!!!!!

and where am I - stuck in a hotel bar in bristol, while Tim completes the preparations for the morning. We went out and bought new clothes and shoes, etc. he is ready in a practical sense.

He is a bit nervous but really excited and positive. I wont be home till Thursday night - so have a few days at work while I wonder what's going on.

fingers, toes, and all relevant body bits crossed now! we are more hopeful but know that there will be some major blips. If it can work in mainstream school then this is a good try...

watch this space - we'll see if we can 'make school make sense' (National Autistic Society Campaign). I gave them piles of information about children with aspergers and learning and tried to explain his sensory issues. now it's over to them for a bit.

keep finding myself crying - a mixture of relief and apprehension and true admiration for such a brave kid.
how I feel today. best seen large - from a gravestone at the fabulous Glasgow Necropolis
melt...

For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
Kahlil Gibran

new beginings

2006-08-28T00:13:00.001+01:00

tomorrow we go to a new school....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and he is very positive about it.

if there is a goddess then now is the time to do your stuff lady...

we are...
apprehensive

hopeful

scared shitless

fingers crossed folks.

I wish we could take the new magic dragon staff...

layerings

2006-08-22T20:09:00.001+01:00

back to reality

back to work

how can an email inbox be so demanding?

juggling the layers of life again so here is my representative photo

deeper than you imagine

That which I complained about in myself is some layers deeper than you imagine.
Anna Freud

musings

2006-08-19T23:06:00.001+01:00

I keep having clashes with my past - how strange but OK.

Isn't that strange when you're feeling really vulnerable and dwelling on the terrifying future the past keeps coming back.

I think it's to remind you of the lessons you should have learned by now. Still learning...

Saw this amazing glass woman in the kelvingrove museum in Glasgow and I find it fascinating and compelling - she looks how I feel...

breaking of the shell

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Kahlil Gibran

anticipatings...

2006-08-15T12:06:00.002+01:00

I'm a bad blogger - just been incapacitated by huge overwhelming stuff...

Work has been a bit extreme as I just took on new stuff and I do have to try to be wonder woman.

In the middle of a two week break where I'm trying really hard to get things in perspective. Still wake at 5.00 worrying about al the things I haven't done yet!!!!

Get a grip Norma...

We've had some major movement re the schooling thing with Laurie. So tentatively hopeful but scared that it will all go pear shaped...

The Director of Special Needs came round to our house to discuss options for him. This is the plan...

He will enrol in a local school (recommended to us by someone who said the head teacher was amazing - if anyone can make inclusion work it's her). He wont just turn up this week but will have a phased transition (which does sound very plausable). He will get a personal tutor to help take the educational activity away from family and back to external educators. Then he will spend some time at the school in small bursts.

We haven't got a co-ordinated support plan but may get one at a later stage. Apparently he requires level 4 additional support needs (not a national measure).

We've explained the situation and driven past the school with him. His anxiety levels have, naturally increased, as have ours. We're walking on eggshells again!

He's still having CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) for anxiety but he is responding badly as he has to keep talking about his feelings, which is really difficult for him.

I told the psychiatrist that she was wrong to suggest that forcing him into uncontrolled environments to de-sensitize his sensory overloads would be beneficial!! Tim laughed at my presumptiousness - and tried to be diplomatic by suggesting that de-sensitize was the wrong word. She did agree with that and all ended harmoniously!!

I am such an arsey woman...

meanings

2006-07-17T23:11:00.001+01:00

been a while...

we had a holiday last week - a few days out and visits and lots of home time. nice...

school update...
still no response from the education services since I wrote a letter asking them how we go about getting a "co-ordinated support plan" (new laws in Scotland mean that we need one of these to get the appropriate support. we have no idea whether Laurie will be going to a school in August or not - so can't prepare him - great - really helpful for a kid with Aspergers.

We suspect that we may have to continue home educating and that will mean plan c - getting an au pair to live in to cover when we're not here - not as an educator but as a companion and carer.

Failing that it's plan Z - give up work and home - which will take 3 months notice and selling...

Ah well time will tell.

life update...
In the meantime Laurie has been fine and fairly happy. Tonight though he was having a bath (usually a really good time for him) and I heard him crying. I asked what was up and he said he was crying because he didn't know what would happen if we all died. It went on for a while including questions like -

"what is the meaning of life"

"what's the point of living if we're all going to die"

"what would happen if you two die and leave me alone"

"humans will be left on a dark cold planet" - hmmmn

It was a bit tough - did the cycle of life thing, the part of the universe thing, there's no point in worrying thing!

poor lad - he thinks too much.

just like me.

done a new series on flickr - a story in six pictures which I really like and aims to show positives of Aspergers and some misconceptions - here are two of them.

two sides to every story

storytelling

2006-07-01T10:11:00.001+01:00

I've been travelling for work and my 3g card that connects me to the interenet has broken.

Came home to loads of work emails and haven't been on flickr or blog.

Travelled down to Bristol with Laurie on the train ( 7 hour journey) to stay with my dad. laurie enjoyed seeing grandad while I traipsed around the country attending meetings...

Journey down was fine but journey back was a nightmaree for a kid with aspergers. We missed a connection due to a late train which arrived 'full and standing'!!!!! Grrrr

Had to stand in a packed corridor full of students shouting and laughing really loud - not their fault - they didn't know. Laurie got overloaded and was so desperate. He didn't have a meltdown but he just stood with his head down. Tears were pouring down his cheeks and I couldn't even comfort him as his sensitivities were so triggered that he couldn't bear to be touched. He describes it as being tingly...

We were three hours late but he was so delighted to be back home and with hector the wonderdog who was equally pleased...

He wont be going on a train any time soon.

In the meantime he's been writing a story on an old typewriter. We decided to make a story blog.

Here it is: http://demongate1.blogspot.com/

It is called demongate
and has a baddie called cyclonops who wants to take over the world...
Here is a drawing that he did to illustrate it...

He already has a couple of comments which is a great incentive for him to keep it up... thanks guys. I typed it in and changed a few spellings but the wording is all his own. He has an interesting way of expressing himself and I was surpised to see he started describing himself as a narrator who makes comments within the story...

refusings

2006-06-22T23:48:00.001+01:00

the steiner school didn't offer us a place...

they don't have the staffing resources to cater for Laurie's special needs.

That's fair enough.

so now we take a few steps backwards...

just the thought of having to back to the education authority has raised all those earlier feelings again. we haven't told Laurie yet.

what alot of people in scotland say is 'what's for you wont go by you' so we'll go with that one.

a bit of a rethink planned for the weekend...

this one seems appropriate for today
the universe now beckons...

the universe now beckons
and Man, too, must take His place...
just a few last fleeting seconds
to wander in the waste
and the children who were ourselves move on
reincarnation now stills its perfected song
and at last we are free of the bonds of creation
van der graaf generator

wobblings

2006-06-17T20:04:00.001+01:00

been away for work this week so didn't get much chance to blog

we have had a hard week

tim had his degree show - digital animation mphil so he had to get all the animations ready, deal with external examiners, breaking bad news to some students and generally having to work all hours...

he now has some relief and the show was excellent - so he is really proud of them all

I had an abcess on my tooth so was going around looking like a chipmunk and managing the pain

laurie has been a bit unsettled - probably due to us

we're all relieved it's the weekend!

my flickr pal kym is having a hard time so made her a picture

it's about having to cope with big changes
called influences that modify the being

waitings

2006-06-12T20:54:00.001+01:00

still waiting for psychiatric team report

still waiting to hear back from steiner school

good job we've developed patience beyond the usual in the last few months

this one is called perverse

Yes, though you may think me perverse, if it were proposed to me to dwell in the neighborhood of the most beautiful garden that ever human art contrived, or else of a Dismal Swamp, I should certainly decide for the swamp.
Henry David Thoreau

so would I

sensings

2006-06-10T15:10:00.001+01:00

make school make sense

http://www.nas.org.uk/msms
support the campaign...

I got a pack for schools in the post today - going to send it to the headmistress; ))

still haven't heard from the steiner school yet - but I wasn't at home on thursday/friday they may have rang while I was out.

still haven't had our report re the diagnosis which I'm really looking forward to reading.

having a strange and wierd wobbly day today - unexpected but probably just a bit of backlash from the last few months...

steinerings

2006-06-08T22:45:00.002+01:00

we went for our interview with the Glasgow Steiner School yesterday. The most amazing thing about it is that laurie says he feels 10/10 about it. He has not felt 10/10 about anything for as long as I can remember!!!!!

We use numbers to guage feelings because it is the best way for laurie to explain how he feels about something and I know his scaling system so well that I can accurately guage what his reaction to something is. (Is that a split infinative - I know I do them alot).

to boldly go.....

anyway Tim had a good old laugh at the interview because they said that laurie wasn't allowed to watch TV or play computers!!!!!!! he said my expression was priceless...

alert alert - this is boy who is learning german, chess , geography and history online. This is the boy who takes digital photos, manipulates them and makes art!!!

so on the one hand we have 10/10 and on the other we have - change this family forever!!!!

we'll try it anyway....

Tim said that I looked so shocked bacause I wouldn't be able to spend so much time on flickr!!!!

So did I get my new camera lens for my birthday or did I get a book.

Hey I got a book

but so funny - the book is about the psychology of internet addiction. I think he's trying to tell me something!!!!!

this one is called only shine

I only shine
with you
you see
the reflection of yourself
mirrored between the two

solar returnings

2006-06-06T22:59:00.001+01:00

it is an hour away from my 45th birthday..

I feel so good about it too.

Laurie's present to me is to dress up in anything I ask and pose for photo's, plus massages (which he is very good at) and probably helping me cook dinner. How cool that he has just hit the wanting to be independent in the kitchen.

You know that thing where you spend years thinking - god I look forward to the day he can bring me a cup of tea in bed - getting close....

other presents to be revealed. I really need a computer as I'm running out of photo storage space.

also need a new lens because the standard lens with the canon 350d (which is a fab camera) is a bit soft and doesn't focus properly...

will probably get books; )))

which is cool.

me and lozzie have been a 'bit under the weather' - terribly british way of saying I feel crap, bit of a temperature and our legs don't work.

photo of the day...
called exterminate

british flickerites seem to like it

Laurie loves the daleks and so do I.

happy birthday norma - drama queen, librarian, woman of no labels, woman who sometimes needs labels, imposter, blogger, logger, flogger and godamm wonder woman (sometimes - after a few glasses of wine), learner and mother

thankings

2006-06-04T23:55:00.001+01:00

not sure if all you guys who offer support and ideas look back but i often reply in comments...

so for those who may have missed my thanks/replys

VERY BIG THANKS - sure we are just at the beginning so stay with us

but I keep looking at my beautiful son in wonder and i am totallly convinced that asd is more a gift than anything else

and I am itching to convince the world...

this is called close
its about what happens when we connect...

bloggings

2006-06-04T23:26:00.001+01:00

not an inspirational title but the thing I feel like talking about...

how interesting that blogging has been a MOST (big shout) important mechanism for me in the last few months.

I've kind of been into diarying but not as much as others. i love writing but get incapacitated by the GREAT novel ( so original norma/lou).

so why has this blog worked for me in a way that I never anticipated?????

because it's real ---- my need is real-----the listeners/readers/audience is real

how strange that the reader maketh the blog kinda thing...

writing my previous entry - the YES we got the diagnosis entry... was really important to me.

i've mentioned this to a few friends lately and it is clear that they don't get it. Why on earth would writing such intimate details to the whole world be OK.

i don't know the answer/I love the answer/

it's very private...
it's so public...

and so those fantastic ironies/contradictions work well for me - particularly now.

I'm a blogger/flogger of stories/logger of lives

and a gemini with libra rising so contradictions work and the photo of the day will be....

torture garden

The universe appears to me like an immense, inexorable torture-garden.... Passions, greed, hatred, and lies; law, social institutions, justice, love, glory, heroism, and religion: these are its monstrous flowers and its hideous instruments of eternal human suffering.
Octave Mirbeau

someone save me...

celebratings

2006-06-02T14:13:00.002+01:00

we have our diagnosis

we are all celebrating the news because for us it is a positive thing

this is called how do you make sense of the world

can't put a bigger version on this page as it messes up the right hand side of the page. The words say
you have no idea
what it means to be gifted with aspergers syndrome

see the National Autistic Society web site to read about the make school make sense campaign. I've written a letter to Alan Johnson, secretary of state for education and skills asking him to support the campaign.

treblings

2006-06-02T00:38:00.002+01:00

OK

I know I should be in bed...

but Lozzie did some good work today

here is his most popular - he said it's probably because its colourful...

well it would stand out in my present photostream anyway.

Of course loads of fab folk on flickr have resonded already and he is very pleased..

hey thanks guys...

he did the photo, the manipulation and the mosaic while I made tea!!!

it's called the grid

we don't do very imaginative titles: )

doublings

2006-06-02T00:30:00.001+01:00

two entries today

I put a couple of self portraits into flickr

they are scary and honest (as opposed to the previous high contrast, therefore hide your crap skin, photos)

so it will be interesting to see the different reactions

what is really a wierd though is that I called this one just norma

- as if norma was real...

you know what - I'm starting to love norma

I'm staring to love being norma

maybe I should change my blog name to being norma...

recappings

2006-06-01T23:29:00.001+01:00

I went away last week and it was so good not to worry and to be able to focus on work. I got back to a fantastic response....

most enthusiastic greeting was from hector the wonderdog, closely followed by the other two boys. seems they were all really pleased to have me back but had missed me too. they got on fine and had a good time.

good relief...

got lots of extra things to do at work - think I need it to help me focus - hope I can handle it but have developed a more organised approach which is helping...

boring work stuff though

let's have a photo...

it's called ruination - I've been feeling kind of dark and listening to old prog rock stuff and my photos seem dark but actually they are really positive and you may have to be in the same space to get that. some fab people on flickr also see the dark stuff in a positive light

but I have also been doing some dark photos of laurie and it seems that people really don't like children presented as other than happy and carefree and innocent

I can appreciate an innocent child shot as much as the rest but I really do strongly believe that we need to engage with the pain too - then we can appreciate the joy

here is one that I love but only my philosophical type contacts seem to like.

it's called all the other fish fear you

and has this quotation from a van der graaf generator song

so you live in the bottom of the sea and you kill all that come near you...
but you are very lonely, because all the othe fish fear you...
and you crave companionship and someone to call your own
because for the whole of your life you've been living alone.
Van der graaf generator
H to HE who am the only one, 1970

its june 2nd tomorrow and at 11.30 we find out if we have a diagnosis

I can't believe that we are half way through the year - I'm 45 next week

it deserves a celebration....

dreamings

2006-05-24T08:56:00.001+01:00

back at work and on the road (well the train) so not much time to blog

this is where I'd rather be though....

shoottheradiolouiseings

2006-05-21T00:41:00.001+01:00

Just sitting on flickr and watching thelma and louise again with the ballad of lucy jordan playing by marainne faithful

and i think..

yeah I would have shot the bastard too...

so I'll have to find an appropriate photo for today...

it's not pretty but the title is

go ahead punk - make my day
it was done for the headmistress (who most of you will already know)
but I keep it in reserve for any arsehole we may come across...

impressings

2006-05-16T19:34:00.001+01:00

the home education officer came today

Laurie and I were a bit fab today. I'd written out our philosophy - child centred, informal, indpendent learning and holistic approach. In my usual anal way I'd written a bloody report!!!

It listed each subject, the resources and the related activities. Resources included tv computer games, internet, books, video etc. Activitites included things like discussions, interactive online activitites and quizzes, quiet study time, phtotography, drawing, painting, craft and digital manipulation, workbooks and practical everyday things like cooking, shopping etc.

If any potential home educator would like a copy I'd be happy to email it on request. She seemed to really like it (saved her writing anything down) and she was really great. Said her best home ed kids didn't even use books but learnt by doing using tv and computers. She was a bit surprised at him teaching himself languages and the fact that he did maths every day cause he loves it!

Laurie was a total star and said he liked it because he could set his own timetable and concentrate on work in the morning. he said it was good because once he'd finished the work for the day he could play. he said it was better than school because he got teased at playtime at school and they called him a girl.

He also said that we made a good team at home (aw bless - I didn't prompt him either!!!). He said that was because of the balance of subjects that we were all good at. He told her I spend too long on flickr (oops) but she had seen his fab mosaics and was well impressed by his artwork. He showed her some of his home ed work and pointed out that he liked symmetry in his art.

I watched him as an outsider might see him. He was like a different child than the one I saw two months ago. He appeared confident and happy. My god if only she knew where we'd been lately...

Anyway - not expecting any problems there.

Still waiting for the official response to my letter to the special needs woman. That will be interesting.

so well done laurie and mum today...

here is one of Lauries home ed photo projects called blue & red - the home ed woman really liked it and it made it to explore really quickly.

washings

2006-05-15T23:58:00.002+01:00

so funny to read your comments about the clothes thing. i've added a comment - from the heart...

it can take us up to an hour to get Laurie dressed depending on the softness, length of sleeves, fluffy bits and how much cotton an item has.

Can't believe that I seriously have conversations with my 9 year old about what percentage of cotton is in his clothes; )))

so funny but can be majorly frustrating when you have to go somewhere. i try to be patient...

hey the truant officer arrived today - now that was funny

totally unexpected he arrived on the doorstep. he actually was a nice guy doing a shit job.

i told him that we'd filled in the home ed forms and had the home ed person coming tomorrow for a visit.

i told him that we'd written to the education services about our decision.

there was no hint of 'you're breaking the law' although technically we are. he was fairly cool about it - went through the motions but it was clear he totally got why we were at this point. he said the system was based on 50's ideology which was no longer relevant - we can only agree...

so I wrote a curriculum out to show the home ed person. not expecting any problems - home ed is fine as long as he get's it 150% right first time!!!!

also the Steiner school rang to arange a meeting with us all - it will be on my birthday - so taking that as a good sign. if it comes off he will be in a class of 14! felt bad having to give her the background details of him, because of that bloody exclusion....grrrr, bitch and stuff

anyway we wait in hope but he is so much happier not having to do group work - although he turning into a fairly good cook working with me - will probably be a bit arsey though if he was a chef; )

this is what he looks like when he arsey

its called houdini blues after a favourite Kristen hersh track about labels

"Oh no don't you put me in that box
you know what you can do with those locks
bet your life I'll come crawling out again
you'll have to deal with me then
you'll hear me in the wind."

hdr-ings

2006-05-14T23:15:00.001+01:00

I've been trying out high dynamic range (hdr) photos.

this is where you take 3 (or more) of the same shot (prefereably using a tripod) at different stops and then merge them in photoshop. Supposed to be better in photomatix but I haven't got that software.

anyway just trying it out - there's two ways you can go - make it look like a painting which can be very effective or try to make it look realistic which is what I'm doing. It is meant to leave a photo more like what the eye really sees. It is interesting but I like my photo's in the old fashioned way too.

Put one into a scoring group and it's going to die because it seems that people either love it or hate it but purist photograhers will probably hate it.

very interesting though

here are a couple - one in colour and one converted to b&w. I like the b&w one best.

stark

imaginatively titled hdr experiment

update on our lives ------

well the education service are coming round to look at our curriculum for home ed on tuesday. we're are all still exhausted but having a time of brief relief with only the odd outburst from Laurie when he can't wear his perfect favourite jumper because all the others itch too much. he refuses to wear short sleeved t-shirts now and I've just had to get rid of drawers full of things he can't wear due to his exagerated sensitivities.

he has a wobbler every time he doesn't understand anything such as a new word or a concept as he feels it is a major humiliation if he doesn't already know something.

we tread delicately at the moment, but the home ed is going well

we asked what he wants to learn about and he said: astonomy, macedonian history and the seleucid empire, german, italian and spanish!!! no challenge there then; )

shortenings

2006-05-12T18:08:00.001+01:00

just to prove that I'm not always ranting in long winded outbursts.

let's just say thank god it's friday

and here is a photo of big ben which surprisingly is attracting lots of attention and nice comments on flickr.

we went to london for the day about two years ago. it was tim's brithday and I tried really really hard to be spontaneous. I booked a trip on the london eye and champagne lunch. unfortunately that didn't leave us much time to go to the aztec exhibition that he really wanted to see but he bore it well...

i'm not good at spontaneous...

supportings

2006-05-11T21:46:00.001+01:00

some of you who read this blog are so amazing I'm stunned.

I never even expected people to read it but to actually respond and offer huge support and really really sound advice is way more than I expected.

yes we had a bad day on monday but generally we are feeling so much more empowered. we had also felt that we need external (legal) help as we are too close. we lost the appeal - as expected and have a strange lack of emotional reaction (still too bloody knackered I think).

tim's reached a point where he needs to be off work. ironically I went back to work on tuesday (maybe a bit mad). my colleagues have been fab and really supportive. today was a bit tiring as we had an event for my elearning projects and everyone was great and said they were glad to see me back - they're probably wondering what the hell is going on.

they probably also wondered what the hell has happened to me. several more grey hairs and a general haggard look. actually coloured my hair before going to the meeting in an effort to tart myself up a bit. very half hearted effort.

what has surprised me is how tired I am. tim said it's cause I'm up till 3 on flickr every night; ))

joker - your comment about good things coming out of these things is so right - we were talking about this the other day and even this close to it all there are so many...

small list just in case anyone else is in the situation but hasn't found these yet...

family wise:

so much closer
so much stronger
so much more harmony

personally:

channeled my energy into being creative
have a blog which is so theraputic
have learned loads about my priorities (all my friends can groan and think 'about bloody time')
have learned so much about autism and the horrific response this gets in our society
have learned about the law, the education system
have stopped tugging my forelock ( a bit; )

and very importantly

have made some new friends

just as I would never change my son I would also not change what has happened. i'm not a creature of regret...

and I love learning.

i am definately going to find a lawyer. J the L if you have any suggestions great but if not I should be able to find someone. I am going to investigate the scottish legislation re educational provision with or without a diagnosis (thanks photopath) and if we don't get a diagnosis we are going to pay for a second opinion.

so funny - tim now asks every day if anyone has responded to the blog - we do really value other input - it helps to keep us sane when we have a wobbly day.

haven't got a wobbly day photo I dont' think... pause whilst she goes to flickr to check....

will work on one - but appropriate to put up some of lauries work

he took a photo of tim and hector dancing (with an amazing capture of hector's tongue- original is here http://www.flickr.com/photos/dramaqueennorma/143103583/) and I took one of laurie and hector lying next to each other. i went to make tea and when I came back he had coloured them and made a mosaic in picassa. it's a bit psychadelic but has had a great response.

not bloody bad for a nine year old I think...

hearings

2006-05-08T23:43:00.001+01:00

an apt title indeed...

cried alot today

we had our appeal hearing against the exclusion today. I had written a very articulate report but we did not present well verbally due to feeling so emotional. in retrospect I should have paid for a lawyer...

They began by attacking our son so visciously that I was left practically unable to speak. He was presented as an attention seeking boy with serious emotional troubles who deliberately behaved badly and endagered the whole school so that he could be sent home!!! At one point the lawyer did a sneaky little (false laugh) when the headteacher was talking about the noise sentitvity issue saying that sometimes it was a problem and sometimes not. I am so knotted up about this laugh - how dare he laugh at the pain my son feels. I can't help reacting even though I know to him it's a game and he wants to win. but its not a game to us.

They said that the asd issue was irrelevant as we did not have a diagnosis which pretty much chucked our case out of the window!

The panel was made up of one councillor who describes asd as a disease and said he was only interested in the facts on the day of the exclusion (such an enlightened soul). One of the panel was totally inscrutable but made eye contact with both tim and I several times during the tirade. The chair was amazing and had significant experience (it felt close) of asd and aspergers in particular.

He raised several interesting querstions about the support (or lack of it offered to Laurie). The education service lawyer said that was irrelevant to this appeal!

We suspect that we will not win the appeal. The wanky councillor said that it didn't matter if we win the appeal or not because if we get a diagnosis it will wipe the slate clean....

tim and I have spent all day thinking of all the damn things we should have said.

tim is all for getting a lawyer and really going for it - typical for him really but he is also very upset and angry.

in many ways it really doesn't matter if they overturn the exclusion but at the very least we have made the headteacher have to account for her actions. The chair asked her if they had set up any special arrangements for laurie, in particular a quiet corner. She said their classrooms were all full of stimulating things - for god's sake and they wonder why we are not going back.

The chair and the lawyer implied that we were at the wrong type of appeal and perhaps should be considering a different approach if we get a diagnosis.

I am now so scared we won't get one... but I am being paranoid. If we don't then the education authority don't have to do anything to help us.

Later I took Laurie to the after school club for his assessment. He was fine about going and knew that he was going to be observed. i told him to be himself. the minute we got there he refused to go in because a certain boy was there who regularly calls him names and picks on him.

30 minutes later the staff made the boy go into a separate area and he agreed to go in. He went and sat next to a table and got his gameboy out - fairly typical. I left and returned later. I was told that he had joined in to some extent and that the psychologist had had the chance to see him interact.

Apparently she said something along the lines of - he was very different than when he was in her office. what the **** does that mean. we wont know till 2nd June.

I am going completely mad.

For someone who has a serious issue about labels (as my friend Sarah) knows very well - here am I needing one.

And yet the label is so not the important thing. I am perfectly happy with my son as he is. In fact I am very proud of his courage and resiliance. I am amazed by his wonderful brain. tim is developing a theory about so called disorders such as dyslexia (which he himself has) and autism as being related to something we needed to to in the past (in an evolutionary sense). An interesting theory as I do feel that there is some genetic thing going on with Laurie. those superior senses would have made us very good hunters. i remember when I was pregnant and noticing my sense of smell increasing dramatically. I'm convinced that this is due to the natural need to protect my young. In fact come to think of it there was a kind of strange and dangerous smell going on today; )

I've made a set on flickr called 'autistic spectrum - a world of black and white' which aims to educate and enlighten people about it. The title refers to both the b&w high contrast photos and also the extreme literal interpretation that Laurie takes. Each photo has a little sentence about some aspect of being on the spectrum. Several people have called it educational so i am very pleased about that - I do believe educating the world is crucial in this battle.

I put some of the photos into scoring groups to make people engage with them. To be honest they often don't pay any attention to the words and totally misread the photo. most assume because of the long hair and pretty face that it's a girl... however alot see the powerful messages.

an important outcome is that these ones sometimes get enough attention to end up in explore. This is the top 500 photos (based on varying and changing criteria auch as number of views, comments and favourites) for each day. this can give a photo more exposure and so also I hope, the message.

I'm turning into an evangelist...

here is another photo from the set. a favourite of mine because it has serious attitude and that is what I need.

It's called searching for diamonds in the sulpher mine after an old favourite track by Van der Graff Generator (showing my age). It has been blogged here http://flickrfavesfromtheex.blogspot.com/

it looks better very large but the format is unusual.

updatings

2006-05-07T19:04:00.002+01:00

it's been a while...

decisions have been made...

we will home educate Laurie till the end of June (Scottish end of term). I've just written the letter to the education service stating all the reasons that we feel the mainstream system just doesn't offer an appropriate route at the moment. enjoyed writing that one as I also got to say exactly why we wont send him back to that school...

we went through a range of options to get through the next few months (nanny - too expenisve) (au-pair - very close second choice) (fabulous next door neighbour who knows us and our son and is studying for exams).

the latter is our choice. she will cover whilst I'm away from home.

Tim is a qualified teacher so we will work up a curriculum. He is so bright that
a) he probably doesn't need a curriculum
b) he teaches himself from the internet, cd roms and the history tv programs
c) we got some practical workbooks for his age range and it takes 2 minutes for him to complete a section!!!

when we've finished those we'll aim higher.

Also planning to enrol him in a local KUMON education centre - recommended to me by a mathematician. Uses a japanese method of teaching and doesn't appear to require group work and encourages independent learning.

Yaaaaay bloody yaaaaay

tomorrow we go to the appeal meeting re the exclusion - should be very interesting. my written submission would stand on it's own but we are going in person too. will have to tart myself up a bit - looking a bit grey and haggard - I wonder why????

I am thinking of going back to work on Tuesday. Not sure I'm ready but feel that I should get on with it (especially as I know things will be OK when I'm travelling). Working may way up to that one.

We went for outr final diagnosis re the spectrum but have to wait until they've seen him with peers!!! This will happen tomorrow as I managed to get Laurie back to the after school club ( the one with the woman who understands autism but can't mention it due to pressure from the witch) the Psychiatric team informed us that they were seriously considering a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome but just needed to confirm his interactions with his peers. Tim and I can't really see that this will make a difference. we think it will just confirm what we have been saying about his interactions.

we then have to wait to get the grand result till first week in June.

Hey Ho as JD Salinger says...

probably no one listening anymore but I've been finding it hard to focus.

have done a whole series of high contrast black and white shots on flickr which make a set called autistic spectrum. each photo illustrates and has a description of one of the things that affects our lives.

Here is one of them which has been really popular. It illustrates the food issues ( restricted diet, being seen eating) and also issues of taste - re conforming to fashion - something my boy just does not do - kudos Laurie

it's called tasteful

and the caption says 'Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste. ~Brecht

happenings

2006-04-25T21:54:00.001+01:00

at last

I feel able to blog...

disabled (I chose that word carefully) by my guilt and terrible state of mind I was unable to post for the last two days.

How very interesting - blogging as a reflection of the darkness of your soul... maybe I'll muse more on that in a future blog but it does very well reflect the 'forelock tugging' Lou that Tim sometimes gently laughs at.

So there we were...

faced with the big decision - to return to the existing school or try out a new one. our weekend was wrought with angst.. I set a deadline (as I am wont to do)...

we struggled, prevaricated, cogitated and eventually...

wimped out...

can you believe it (I can hear a few gasps)...

but wait...

so we decided that the new school in exactly the same format as the old one wouldn't work.
we cant go to the Steiner school that we do like until august.
we have to get by till august.

so we decided to go with the flow and try to send him back (bear with me guys cause there is a temporarily happy ending here).

So we broke the news to laurie and he dealt with it well - understanding that we had to make it through this term and then all would be better!!!!

Laurie and I walked down to the school on Monday and went inside the building ( the psychiatrist somehow felt this was really significant). I knew it wasn't because it wasn't that hard for him to do. It's not the building that causes him pain - it's the CHILDREN.

Tuesday (today) we dutifully followed instructions and turned up to have a chat with his teacher. He was cool about that and took some photos of his flickr art and of hector to show his teacher.

Oh no ----- ambush

unprepared and without ammunition we were caught in a room for an hour with the bloody headmistress and his teacher...

for an hour we were treated to a monologue about behaviour, rules and her authority.

Laurie understood about 40% of what she said which I did find an amazing percentage because whilst it was happening I estimated 20%. God she was so tedious... The teacher didn't get a word in edgeways.

Apparently the kids all call him a girl because of his hair (well blow me down!). Of course they don't mean to be horrid. They didn't realise - ah bless!!!!

What about the 'Laurie the loser' nickname - oh well some of the children said that when Laurie didn't 'get his own way' in group work and got upset he would call himself a loser ---

as I said in my reply to their exclusion report 'it is hardly surprising that he refers to himself in this way given that he has been persistantly called this for over a year by his peers' (mummy rant mode coming on)

so I sat and let her harangue him. She made him cry (she made me cry). she made us both very very angry...

we left saying we'd come into school tomorrow at 9.00.

OK so you can kick us when we are down but don't think we will lie down forever. I feel bad that I let her do that to us today. Where is the lioness that sarah mentions?

They paid no heed to his needs. They did not acknowledge his sensory overload issues.
I mentioned that the children banged on the tables when the teacher had an important announcement. I said that laurie did not understand this and that it hurt his ears.

I told them that I had suggested to laurie that it may be intended to be like a drumroll. His teacher said that it was and he was prepared to change this. The headmistress said that it was a standard method for getting the attention of children and to focus them to hear important announcements.

I let him and all kids with sensory overload down - I didn't say ' this would have the opposite effect on children who had sound sensitivity issues'. She told the teacher she would talk to him later and it was clear she was not prepared to change this practice for one kid - particularly one who blatently defies her and doesn't recognise her authority.

by the way woman - I did mention the words autistic spectrum disorder. He is being assessed for asd you know...

Well the lioness is prowling now and so is Tim the lion.

We are not sending him back...

they, and the educational psychologist and the child psychiatric team can all take a flying leap.

we know it is not OK to send him back.

The school now know that we are appealing against the exclusion ( and she has all her guns out) - met someone who works in the school who agreed re asd but couldn't talk about it with me. How neat it would be for them if they 'bent over backwards to accomodate' laurie and then had the opportunity to exclude him again before the hearing.

so bend over mrs headmistress... if I was any good at cartoons I would do one...

we are standing together on this one. We don't quite know how we will do this yet but we know we will.

Here is picture of a lioness to prove it...

and I finally did the unthinkable and am signed off on sick leave for stress for two weeks.

relief...

snivellings

2006-04-21T10:51:00.001+01:00

thanks for all your comments guys.

we've been talking about what to do. still don't know.

rang the psychiatrist this morning and asked her if she really thought it would be in Laurie's interest (re his mental health) to go back to the school rather than try a new one. she's with the others on this - they all think it would be better for him to go back. told her about the charming kids calling him names last night. She tripped out the usual - he needs to learn to deal with it - give him techniques. I sometimes wonder if they understand that you have a brain - der - we've been trying to give him techniques to handle bullies since he started school!!!

maybe I could do with some; )

my main concern is that one of the people assessing him for aspergers could advise me to take him to noisy places. What part of 'it hurts my ears doesn't she get'. I interpreted this as her either not understanding enough about the senory overload stuff, or implying that he's making it up! tim was kinder and suggested that maybe they meant to de-sensitise him. I am aware that there are some therapies that may help but in a controlled and specially built environment. I hardly think a train station or supermarket counts as that. this is making me very worried about the help we are going to get.

rang the psychologist for alternative schools - on annual leave now and he is the only person who can advise. I've asked before anyway and he always says we're at the best school. god help us.

have to ring the headmistress to arrange a time to visit the building today. tim had to go into work so we can't talk it through - but this weekend we are going to have to make a definite decision - this drifting is killing me.

a few people have suggested getting signed off with stress. having a problem with this one (ms. I can cope with anything syndrome). do have to ring work though as I'm expected back next week - just need to get to the point where I can actually talk and not just cry down the phone.

sarah just rang and made me feel better :) you all make me feel better :)

my new camera arrived at last so here are my fab sequined shoes to help raise a few smiles. they look like magic slippers - two heel clicks and....

screamings

2006-04-20T22:01:00.001+01:00

not a good week...

Laurie didn't make it into school on Tuesday - no surprise there really. We handled it faily calmly and then all trotted dutifully along to the psychiatric team for our afternoon appointment. Laurie did his bit with his woman and tim and I carried on with the developmental stuff with ours. She told us there would be a meeting on Thursday (today) to speak with herself, the headmistress and school educational psychologist to arrange a 'plan' for Lauries return to the school.

For the last two days we all got up and got the school uniform on and walked to school - to try to get into the swing of things. We didn't go in the school. Today Tim couldn't come so Laurie and I set off in the car and as we approached the meeting place he got more and more stressed. By the time I'd parked up he was refusing to go and wouldn't get out of the car!!!!

After pleading, begging, shouting, and attempting bribery he still wouldn't be budged. I even got the psychiatrist into the car to try. He said some awful things about me -- I know I'm big enough to take it but when your son says he wants you to go to prison (following a comment that I'd get into trouble if he didn't go back to school) and that he hates you in front of a bloody family psychiatrist it takes some beating. At one point I almost laughed hysterically - although I was fighting back tears for most of it.

One hour later and she had gone back to the meeting and we were still sitting in the car. I eventually persuaded him to come with me so that I could try to find out what plan they had made in out absence. He sat in the waiting room while I spoke to her. I get told a few times how wonderful the headteacher is. I get told that the head teacher doesn't think he has aspergers syndrome. I get told that the plan is to start tomorrow with a visit into the building. Tomorrow is my last day of compassionate leave. Just what am I supposed to do now? She told me not to make it too nice to be at home and to make him go to noisy places so that he get's used to it. She told me not to involve him in making any choices. We wont get a diagnosis until they've seen Laurie with his peers in school - so how long is that going to take if we can't even get into the school?

When we got home two boys from Lauries class were playing outside our house. They shouted 'Laurie's a girl' three times while I was there! And we have to send him back there. We still have an option to try another school but it's a major risk at this stage.

I'm ready to throw in the towel . By that I mean give up my job, move to a smaller place and home educate myself. Lose my pension, my career and my will to fight. Maybe that's what I need to do for a while - maybe I'll feel better tomorrow

We don't know what to do...

I'd like to be on a desert island...

anticpatings

2006-04-17T23:00:00.001+01:00

I've been avoiding most things this week but most of all I've been avoiding tomorrow and now it's nearly here...

Tomorrow we have to go back to school - the same school that excluded my son recently. The same school that he feels sick about going to.

And why?

because everyone agrees he has to go to school -

'the longer you leave it the worse it will get'

well I don't even think I should be sending him back. we've had a few big wobblers in the last three days as he starts to anticipate the awfulness of it all. we keep trying to encourage, cajole and outright lie!!!

why am I going to try it - I don't even know. Pressure - the threat of prosecution? A tiny spark within me that thinks it may just be OK.

The plan is that Laurie and I will go in a bit later than 9.00 and talk to his two teachers. the educational psychologist will talk to the witch headmistress after lunch about a plan for a gentle re-integreation ( a bit late as we already have to turn up at nine!!!) It could all be over by 10.00 - second exclusion, Lou loses her job, they have to sell their house and boy murders new dog in frustration.

We are due to visit the psychiatric team tomorrow too for next stage of assessment.

Can't believe Laurie went to sleep so calmly tonight. He is recalling bad dreams about school again and is very negative about going back...

It'll all come out in the wash as they say...

To top it all - bloody new camera didn't arrive yet due to easter hols... haven't finished writing book stuff, have a work email with over 100 unread emails and am knackered.

on the bright side - we had a family day out at loch lomond which cheered us all up. everyone else in the house is fast asleep. laurie found some tiny mushrooms so I did a macro with my 'old' camera. I quite like it.

umbrellas in a rainy forest

also Laurie had his first go at photoshop on a previous photo of hector - came out really well...
he called it colourful reflection

travellings

2006-04-11T22:37:00.001+01:00

We have been travelling this week. Yesterday me, Laurie and hector left Glasgow at 11.00am and went by train to Chippenham in Wiltshire. We were on the train, accompanied by loads of luggage for 6 and a half hours!!! No toilet stops for the dog and he was, as ever a star…There wasn’t much room under the seats so to stop him sitting in the isle he ended up lying across mine and Lauries laps. Didn’t get any work done as planned so just slept a lot. Laurie and the dog were brilliant.

Two photos to show them both being very happy...
deep joy

Joy wants the eternity of all things, wants deep, wants deep eternity.
Friedrich Nietzsche

and

fidelity

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley

In Chippenham visiting my dad and having a chance to go into the office in Bristol. The boys all had a fab day. It was strange being back at work as I feel so distanced from it all so it was a bit strange. Shows willing though and everyone was really supportive.

Introduced a few more colleagues to flickr as well.

Not much time to be on flickr or the blog due to limited and expensive access to the internet. Getting withdrawal symptoms already.

Excellent news though – I’ve splashed out and treated myself at last to an slr digital camera. Bought it on ebay on Sunday so hope it will be there when I get back. More of my life lost to flickr...

relievings

2006-04-07T18:56:00.001+01:00

A wave of relief went through the house yesterday.

here is the entrance to our house - called main door

taken by Laurie

We had our second visit with the child and family heath team. Tim and I had our own psychiatrist and Laurie had his own; )

Laurie stayed with her for the whole hour - wont tell me anything about it so left wondering... he said he just drew while he talked - said he knew it was rude but he hates looking at people when he talks to them. How many people in the neurotypical world would be able to understand that. I know there are thousands of others that do...

We did the developmental stuff so they ask you about how imaginitive he is, when he walked and talked and stuff. I went all pathetic in front of the professional (it makes Tim laugh to see me and says it's because I'm a forelock tugging kind of girl; )

At one point I was really aware that my legs were shaking and it wasn't nerves - it was adrenaline. I was just so 'wired' that someone was finally really doing something for us. i wanted to make the best of it. Anyway still haven't told them the half of it, but I did ask if they felt it was appropriate to do an assessment for ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). YES YES YES - I'm not just a mother making up excuses for my 'badly behaved manipulating controling monster son'.

It is really strange to feel so happy that they have started the assessment and clearly think there is a pressing need. You might wonder why we need this...

We have to has his needs recognised. We do not have any negative feelings about an ASD/Aspergers diagnosis. We know that people on the autistic spectrum are wired differently - and have a very different take on the world - a very rich take sometimes that most people don't take the time to consider. We know that his sensory perceptions can be a major problem but they are also a great blessing. Laurie hears music differently and has been able to recognise pieces of music since he was really small and even identify which films they may have featured in... He can mimic voices and accents perfectly. His memory is so acute that he can recount dialogue after only seeing a movie once. We have never had to practice a spelling list for homework. He does the 99 times table for fun. His sense of humour is strange but wonderful.

Shame no one else seems to appreciate this...

Another fantastic thing that has happened is that the fabulous people in the flickr autistic spectrum group are offering incredible support (as are people who are reading this blog).

Huge thanks to all of you guys - so needed and appreciated.

haven't got a bunch of flowers photo but do have a beautiful lily from china for all of you...

I have met a really great family through flickr who have been through as much and so much more than us. they have a blog too linked to at the side bar but the dog is the one that blogs regularly - joker the lurcher. Laurie has been looking at their photos and I've explained that there are loads of other kids who have very well developed senses. He is most intrigued and would like to meet some.

next job - contact the glasgow autism support group....

such a long post today but guess what - another amazing thing happened. I sent an email last week in my depths of despair after the exclusion to our Member of Scottish Parliament (MSP) Gordon Jackson. I was expecting a standard letter in response but he actually rang me yesterday to offer support when needed. well done that man - you can share the lily.

So some faith in human nature restored...
Some validation of us as parents with concerns...
Some new friendships developing...

We are counting ourselves lucky today.

we are very well aware that we are only at the start of a major quest/journey. ..

refusings 2!

2006-04-05T10:14:00.002+01:00

Oh well - one step forward another step back. After the success on Monday we had a bit of a day yesterday. As we started walking to meet the school educational psychologist Laurie suddenly stopped walking and refused to move. We tried everything we could to get him moving. Tim even tried picking him up (kicking and screaming) and carrying him. The world watched on as we floundered in helplessness. I was stressing about being late for the appointment (yes I know - so anal but I hate being late). We did have a huge hilarious moment where we pretended to walk on in the hope that he would follow. Then we turned round and I'm yelling down the street that we'd be late and Laurie did a slow motion walk (very six million dollar man). He is so good at miming that we both broke down in hysterical laughter at this point. Just a release I guess.

God knows what everyone thought - mad family I'm sure.

Anyway in the end I went to the meeting and poor old Tim (total hero) struggled on for another half an hour. In the end they went back home - had a chat and a cuddle. I had a long talk with the ed psychologist about getting Laurie back to school. He was amazed that we'd got such a quick appointment at the family and child heath unit. He offered to help draw up a plan to ease Laurie back in gently - so not all bad. He seemed a bit more connected to the needs of Laurie this time.

When I got back Laurie gave me a huge love and said he was sorry. He was a bit subdued and we were all fairly emotionally knackered.

One of my freinds came round to visit (to talk about a book we are co-authoring and is due really soon!!!!!!) We all went for a walk in the park with Hector afterwards who has an keen eye for the girly dogs - soon to be dealt with; ) We let him off his lead for a big run and he came straight back - big relief. He's clearly not the brightest spark in the box though as the day before he tried to leap out of our 2nd floor flat window! Tim caught him just in time and now all the windows are firmly shut.

Todays photo is called encircle the seasons (see the quote below) and represents the cycle of life - the hope of things turing around and an understanding that we will look back on this period and reflect on what we learned from it. We are already much stronger as a family unit.

And is not time even as love is, undivided and paceless?
But if in you thought you must measure time into seasons, let each season encircle all the other seasons,
And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing.
Khalil Gibran

hectorings

2006-04-03T19:55:00.001+01:00

hector the rescue dog.

the sweetest natured dog on the planet and so what we need...

hector

What a day...
Had our first visit to the family and child health psychiatric unit. met a nice woman called Dianne. Laurie actually spoke to her so she's started building a picture. I was so aware of all our body language (read too much of course so worried every time he chewed his fingers). I cried (surprise surprise at the moment). Laurie held it back but did get very overwhelmed talking about all his sad and angry feelings. I said sorry for crying in the car on the way back (because I don't want him blaming himself for me being sad) and he was so cool about it. he said ' that doesn't matter - I nearly cried too - it's OK to cry'.

I was so proud of him. Still worrying about her conclusions (so bizarre) that someone who has studied a bit can make desisions that affect our lives.

Anyway we went to the park with hector afterwards and let him off his lead for the first time. he loved playing with a ball and laurie laughed so much. A major success.

We are going again to see Dianne on Thursday (without L) to fill her in on more details.

Thank god someone is on the case...

This is how happy my boy is...

hector the rescue dog

refusings

2006-04-02T10:40:00.001+01:00

I'm so exhausted - think we all are.

My hope for a successful visit to the hypnotherapist did not go very well as my son refused to talk. The guy was great though and we all tried to get him to relax but to no avail. He didn't even charge us and we hope to go back again.

On a brighter note we then went to pick up our new dog. He was called patch, but after much debate he has a great new name - Hector. (Stanley was pipped at the post). This means less time in front of the computer and more time in the park...

He is so sweet natured and very calm. Have'nt had chance to take photos yet.

Another bright note is that I bought a film scanner off ebay and now have the huge task of putting my old travel photos on flickr.

Here are a couple of the ones that seem to be popular.

Surprise

thirsty

articulatings

2006-03-29T21:22:00.002+01:00

think I survived the school meeting but am feeling very teary and vulnerable (those who know me would be surprised). tried to find ways to encourage laurie back to the school after easter. he is desperate at the idea. We need time to think.

I gave the Glasgow family and Child Health Centre a thumbs up yesterday and today I can only say a heartfelt thankyou. they reviewed his case in their weekly meeting and have given us an urgent meeting on Monday next week. RESULT!!!!!!!!

where we go from here I don't know but at least we know we have someone on our side (ie willing to help). the irony is that you become so grateful for something so fundamental. I believe he deserves some help and attention. it's taken over a months worth of effort and here I am being grateful.

I finally decided to ask for some leave from work becuase I can't do it all any more. They gave me some time - so grateful...

If anyone has a magic wand to take away this nightmare i would be ever and always... so grateful

My life has crept so long on a broken wing
Through cells of madness, haunts of horror and fear,
That I come to be grateful at last for a little thing.
[Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)

This photo from my flickr pages is called solitary perfection

imaginings

2006-03-28T22:26:00.001+01:00

feeling defeated tonight - in anticipation of an early morning meeting with the headmistress tomorrow. I know she'll patronise me and make me feel like shit.

I was supposed to meet with the educational psychologist attached to the school today but he put me off till next week. That will leave me exactly one week to sort out some type of educational support for my son. Either that or I get arrested, or have to lose my job and my home.

I rang the Education Authority for Glasgow and got no help. Apparently the only person who can help me find an alternative school is the ....wait for it.... educational psychologist. When I rang him and asked if he could suggest a school he said the one we were at was one of the best. Hey Ho where do we go....

Tomorrow I'm going to ask if they will let my son avoid the nightmare playground and lunchtime events. If they can excuse him from the gym because of the noise. I'll ask if he can be excused from group working which he finds so challenging and if he can wear ear plugs to block out the sounds that 'hurt'. Well I wonder what they'll say to that. Of couse I'm just a liberal parent who doesn't exhert any discipline of my child. Strange that given that he is a stickler for rules and gets very upset when people don't adhere.

Still I had a bright spot on my horizon today. The health authority came through trumps. I rang up to chase my referral from the GP to child and family psychiatric unit and found that they were faxing it through as urgent to be considered in todays round of cases. I don't know what priority they gave it but at least I know that someone, somewhere is thinking about the welfare of my son.

Also it was Tim's birthday and Laurie gave him a card saying ' no. 1 dad - you truly are the best'. So true...

We are so lucky...

This one is called Goldfish from a set called A different view - all taken by Laurie to show his perspective. This one represents us as a family swimming in one direction (against the tide) but strong and true... This one is for the health authority.

Stanley the dog is not here yet - kennel cough so he has to go to the vet on Fiday. we hope to pick him up on Saturday. hope he's good at swimming....

strugglings

2006-03-26T22:20:00.002+01:00

When you've always been strong and feel that nothing could get you it strikes hard that the world can suddenly turn upside down. And even when all of your friends and family support you it is so easy to feel alone when confronted by the mightly faceless powerful "LEA" of wherever you live.

So our headmistress has garnered her powerbase and turned against us - the educational psychologist, a key supporter ( but employed by her) and the bloody faceless LEA. And although we know our son better than anyone, we are left doubting ourselves, but only for moments. And you wonder how the less powerful cope - but when you fight for your child maybe all mothers become articulate in some way.

I have an amazing man to help me, who believes in my son and me. He gives his all to make the world understand my son and for that, on mothers day, I give an honourary mention to him.

and this is the man. In flickr its called
puma in the barren wilderness

This fab Pablo Neruda poem acompanies the photo:

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent, starving I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disquiets me, I search the liquid sound of your steps all day.
I hunger for your sleek laugh, For your hands the color of the wild grain, I hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails, I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your loveliness, The nose, sovereign of your arrogant face, I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
And I walk hungry, smelling the twilight Looking for you, for your hot heart, Like a puma in the barren wilderness.

Thanks to my friends who daily offer support to Laurie on flickr. Thanks to this man.
And thanks to Laurie.

Tomorrow we are adding a new member to the family - currently called patch but probably to become Stanley. A dog - photo to follow. We struggle on...

circlings

2006-03-21T23:29:00.001Z

I've finally gained access to photoshop and have had a go at some Amazing Circles. Quite pleased at my first attempts, but just need another 24 hours in a day to do some more.

Here is my favourite so far made form a photo taken late at night in Hong Kong...

recoverings

2006-03-19T22:59:00.001Z

Well a few days later and we're surviving the aftermath of the exclusion.

We got the report of the incident and it was a very poorly written document full of subjective comments and emotive language. I have prepared a 4 page reply which is very measured, contains quotations from government documents and the National Autistic Society (NAS) which describes the kind of sensory overload that my son experiences in his school and the likely impact of this on his behaviour.

Some awful statistics from the NAS website include:

This is one example of how gifted my son is - entitled self portrate

bufferings

2006-03-17T22:31:00.001Z

yes I need some buffers.

I've been bashed around a bit in the last few days and I need some cotton wool.

My son has been excluded from school - his behaviour is unacceptable....

he has had a 'meltdown' (common terminology in the world of aspergers syndrome)

there is construction work going on at his schools - this overloads his senses. the school report no undue noise levels. I finally have an URGENT referral to the childrens psychiatric department. Well what does it take...

swearing at a teacher
exclusion from school
saying you want to die
self harm
suicide

"it could take 3 months to see someone" - well actually this is just not good enough.

I still don't have a diagnosis - this makes me vulnerable.

But hey - don't mess with this mum.

I am on his case... and I will never give up on him...

you should see his photos on flickr...

flutterings...

2006-03-15T12:57:00.001Z

Well I don't think I'll be able to keep up the 'ings' endings on all my posts but I will try.

I'm so happy because I finally have a tag cloud on my blog. I had to abandon the previous attempt and tried ZoomClouds instead. Much easier and done in 5 minutes so thanks for a great (and free!) service. I'll tell everyone I know...

More later but I want to post this photo today as it's my first photo to be viewed over two hundred times in Flickr. It's called Way of Heaven and has a daoist quote attached to it.

Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man. Between a man and a butterfly there is necessarily a distinction. The transition is called the transformation of material things. (Chuang Tzu)

This was taken in Yangshuo in China during a great trip last August. It has the bright paddyfields in the foreground and the dramatic karsts at the end of the path. I like the path which ties in with the daoist concept of 'the way'. I also like the way that it leads you beyond the picture to whatever lies behind the karsts.

stutterings

2006-03-13T20:42:00.001Z

A strange day full of airports, phone calls, worrying and trying to stay focussed. Maybe this will all be explained but probably not today. The stutterings title refers to the faffing I've had to do today.

Ok I know I'm demanding but I really want tagclouds on my blog - it's the librarian in me. I need some kind of retrieval system especially as I've started by deliberately mixing up my posts. This is an EXTREME experiment for me who would ideally like a blog for personal stuff, a blog for work stuff and blog for studying stuff. I'm trying to stop the separation thing but this may not work. What if, for example, my work colleagues saw something about me personally that they didn't need to know, such as my penchant for dressing up in uniforms (pretend example of course - I dress up in much more interesting stuff really).

In order to maintain order ( and yes this is very important) I need tag clouds...

So I found the fantastic tagclouds.com site and did as they asked.

I also added a different feed to my blog using feedburner.com.

I'm no techie but I can cut and paste html like the rest or so I thought. So either I've done it all wrong or it takes time and more content to show a real live cloud.

Looking forward to the day when I see the tag uniforms appear large in my cloud...

If you've never seen a tagcloud then look at the fantastic my del.icio.us

photo for today is of my son and called too bright. It fits today for me - trying to run before.... the future's bright - I just need to catch up.

too bright

beginings...

2006-03-12T18:35:00.001Z

I started using flickr.com a week ago and my life has changed...

It has prompted me to finally get a blog started.

I also need a blog to record some reflections on elearning for an online course that I'm doing with Oxford Brookes University.

It is about time I did it as I've been banging on for some time now about how 'social software' is the key to enhancing elearning - as opposed to the 'lets put all our content on a VLE approach'. I've also made students do blogs to reflect on their learning so it's only fair that I should too.

So it's official - I'm part of a huge community of bloggers, and a huge community of people who want to put their photos on Flickr. Within Flickr I'm part of several smaller communities who have something in common. I like the Utata group as it acts as a salon in the traditional sense where people talk, play, experiment and learn. The Photodominos group is great as they post photos that connect with each other in some way - with some really interesting interpretations.

Have a look at my photos.

Here is a photo that I took at 3.00am this morning in Glasgow after a massive and sudden snowfall - that's how bad my addiction is...

It is called rear window and has been added to two film related photo pools - Dial H for Hitchcock and Let's talk film!