postcard from poland

Twice a year we usually have to deal with our son getting very upset and having a week or so of sadness, crying and inability to sleep. This is because on his birthday and at christmas his dad sends him a parcel and a letter.

He is torn because, of course, he is really really pleased that his dad still remembers to do this but he is also gutted that his dad apparently doesn't want to engage with him on a regular basis. His dad tells him of all his wonderful travels but all his son sees is that he never comes to see him or offers to take him with him.

We have tried to get his dad to communicate with his son directly by phone, email, letter or, even better, with visits both to us and to him. His father has refused to communicate with me for about 6 years now (which does make things difficult). I have tried emails, letters and even using solicitors to help establish an ongoing relationship with his son. He must still want one in some way as he sends these warm letters twice a year.

After the christmas parcel last year L tried to send him an email with some recent pictures but his dad's work email no longer worked. Presuming that he's moved jobs I was unable to find another email so L sent him a letter telling him his new email address and asked his dad to send him emails. I was hoping that this may be a start to developing enough of a relationship to start visits between them as there would need to be hardly any communication with me.

He would check his email every day to see if his dad had responded. Not a sausage...

Then yesterday - out of the blue - L got a postcard from Poland from his dad.

well thanks a lot mate - L spend most of yesterday in tears and will be upset for several days. He was talking to one of his twitter pals and told them he was having a bad day. When he told her why she said "well at least he has sent something" and L said "I'd rather he didn't".

He doesn't mean that though - he really wants to see his dad.

It is such a shame. I think it's to do with pride and intransigence and maybe even intending to hurt me. I just want to somehow tell him what he is missing by not spending time with this fantastic boy. His dad could teach him so much and as a scientist would really be able to inspire him. He could learn alot from his son too who is so loving.

Of course he also misses all the difficult bits, which his stepdad deals with. Like today.

Well his step dad has taken him out to play football in the park to try to cheer him up. His dad is missing that too!

I hope his dad might read this and understand that his son (deep down) really needs to see him. I also worry that one day he will meet his dad and he will say I stopped him seeing him. But I have a box full of evidence of my attempts to encourage regular contact. A parcel twice a year and a monthly payment into my bank account does not really cut it dad...

new beginnings

frozen in time

It feels like we are coming out of hibernation...

So much has happened that I don't have time to do write it all down, but I think we're coming back to the blogging and soon to the home education...

laurie is due to start secondary school this year and it has focussed our thoughts for a long time. I have spent hours looking for a school small enough to replicate his current small primary school in Govan. Shame we can't replicate the head teacher and her staff because he is still doing fantastically well at that school.

We are just not prepared to set him up to fail in a large secondary school where people have no concept of him and his needs. The fact that he is so high functioning means that people just do not see how differently his brain does work. He has also got much better at masking things (like when he doesn't understand the instructions, etc.) He just works it out himself eventually and quietly and then completes the task. He is desperate to start learning 'real' things. He wants academic challenge.

So I am going to do this with him. We will be interpreting the term home education broadly to encompass a wide range of activities, both academic and practical. We will be doing solitary and social learning and sometimes it will be well structured (because he likes that) and other times we'll let our hair down a bit. Our home education won't just be happening in the home but it may include rearing chickens and growing some of our own food.

I can't wait....

We contemplated us both giving up our jobs and moving to Orkney (yes a bit drastic but very nearly happened last September but didn't work out). The plan is now for me to finish work in time to start the secondary education phase while Tim stays in his job. We'll sell the grand flat in Glasgow and downsize. We 're planning to move to the country (maybe in Argyll & Bute)...

I am going to try to make some money with a bit of elearning consultancy and my photography. I've been working on a new website and not had any time for flickr or the blogging. Maybe I can start to catch up again with my non work life!

the new photography website...

imaginings

tim calls it "la la land" which does make me smile and laurie laughs at it too.

still it doesn't stop him spending all his time there. throughout the day he can be hard going "tcheeew tcheeew" and swinging his sword/light sabre/magic staff around and asking if I think his technique has improved.

of course with his technique he can slay a thousand orcs/dragons/enemy archers...

my favourite is the magic staff which we found on a forest walk and really does have a dragon head. we found some real amber (tree resin) on the same day and have made some jewel eyes.

the staff is truly magical - I need to try not to say "stop swinging that stick around" because it really annoys him

but he keeps dropping the bloody thing and apart from the noise I worry that the jewels will fall out and the resulting catastrophe will be too hard to bear...

here is one of this pics from the day he found the magic staff...

mummyings...

I took a photo today which captures the soul and the heart of my boy...

I cannnot stop looking at it...

I am in awe...

whistlings

I have a very happy boy - and that does make a change.

he loves his new school!!!!!

there have been a few blips and a few phonecalls with the new headmistress - which was expected. they are dealing with it very well so far.

despite this he loves it.

he is enjoying learning again

he has some pals

the kids are really making an effort...

he has made a positive impact on the class. he intoduced them to his blog and writing stories. they are al doing it now - at playtime for fun.

they all want to be famous and live in LA - so it goes...

here is my new whistling boy - may not last but fun for a while...

celebratings

such stunning news...

Laurie had a full week at school and he is still enjoying it...

he described it as 'a lovely school'
he said it was a million times better than the last one...

we spent the whole week waiting for the bad day... it didn't happen...yet

WOW this feels so strange...

the National Autistic Society contacted me about the Make School Make Sense Campaign being launched on 31st October in Scotland.

our story is going to be used as a case study - great...

we are feeling fairly positive - for a change

a happy photo for a change...

bettings

well if you'd asked me to put £20 down on the chance that today would go well - I wouldn't have gone for it on any odds (not that I understand the difference between 5-1 or 20-1)

1) I felt guilty at not being there (and had a wobbly start to the day)
2) I knew Laurie would be feeling very nervous
3) I've lost the ability to be totally optimistic

OK - so how did it go.

I think I've said before that we use numbers to measure how Laurie feels about things (he's comfortable with numbers). And today was..... (triumphant fanfare - but quiet for those with sensory sensitivities)...

nine and three quaters out of 10!!!!!

woah. big result. not many things get such a high result. Considering his days at the last school were in the minus figures and we haven't gone over five since we went to the Steiner school (which we failed to get in - see earlier post).

It's early days and we have learned to be philosophical...

there will be a honeymoon period BUT

he had a great day despite a teary start.

My son rocks big time - he is so brave and so open to new possibilities (despite the aspergers)

He talked for half an hour on the phone about his day and he described the group work session as 'good fun'.

so here I am daring to hope.

would I bet on the future - NO

but I may be a bit more hopeful. I've forgotten how to celebrate a good day. Maybe I'll get a bit more practice. Maybe not....

here I am waving to the future...

wild imaginings

wow - the visit to the new school went really well.

Laurie was really positive and the environment felt very gentle (despite being in one of the most deprived areas of Glasgow). The staff were fantastic and we had a really useful conversation about a plan for integrating him into the school.

The school only has 100 pupils (instead of the planned 400) so there is lots of space and quiet areas. Laurie went off with his teacher and met his new class. There is a boy with tourettes syndrome who looked after him. They had a great time. There are only 16 others in his class. maybe this could work...

So here is the plan...

instead of a slow transition we are going for a full time start (due to his positive response) from... tomorrow!!!!!!

and where am I - stuck in a hotel bar in bristol, while Tim completes the preparations for the morning. We went out and bought new clothes and shoes, etc. he is ready in a practical sense.

He is a bit nervous but really excited and positive. I wont be home till Thursday night - so have a few days at work while I wonder what's going on.

fingers, toes, and all relevant body bits crossed now! we are more hopeful but know that there will be some major blips. If it can work in mainstream school then this is a good try...

watch this space - we'll see if we can 'make school make sense' (National Autistic Society Campaign). I gave them piles of information about children with aspergers and learning and tried to explain his sensory issues. now it's over to them for a bit.

keep finding myself crying - a mixture of relief and apprehension and true admiration for such a brave kid.
how I feel today. best seen large - from a gravestone at the fabulous Glasgow Necropolis
melt...

For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
Kahlil Gibran

storytelling

I've been travelling for work and my 3g card that connects me to the interenet has broken.

Came home to loads of work emails and haven't been on flickr or blog.

Travelled down to Bristol with Laurie on the train ( 7 hour journey) to stay with my dad. laurie enjoyed seeing grandad while I traipsed around the country attending meetings...

Journey down was fine but journey back was a nightmaree for a kid with aspergers. We missed a connection due to a late train which arrived 'full and standing'!!!!! Grrrr

Had to stand in a packed corridor full of students shouting and laughing really loud - not their fault - they didn't know. Laurie got overloaded and was so desperate. He didn't have a meltdown but he just stood with his head down. Tears were pouring down his cheeks and I couldn't even comfort him as his sensitivities were so triggered that he couldn't bear to be touched. He describes it as being tingly...

We were three hours late but he was so delighted to be back home and with hector the wonderdog who was equally pleased...

He wont be going on a train any time soon.

In the meantime he's been writing a story on an old typewriter. We decided to make a story blog.

Here it is: http://demongate1.blogspot.com/

It is called demongate
and has a baddie called cyclonops who wants to take over the world...
Here is a drawing that he did to illustrate it...

He already has a couple of comments which is a great incentive for him to keep it up... thanks guys. I typed it in and changed a few spellings but the wording is all his own. He has an interesting way of expressing himself and I was surpised to see he started describing himself as a narrator who makes comments within the story...

steinerings

we went for our interview with the Glasgow Steiner School yesterday. The most amazing thing about it is that laurie says he feels 10/10 about it. He has not felt 10/10 about anything for as long as I can remember!!!!!

We use numbers to guage feelings because it is the best way for laurie to explain how he feels about something and I know his scaling system so well that I can accurately guage what his reaction to something is. (Is that a split infinative - I know I do them alot).

to boldly go.....

anyway Tim had a good old laugh at the interview because they said that laurie wasn't allowed to watch TV or play computers!!!!!!! he said my expression was priceless...

alert alert - this is boy who is learning german, chess , geography and history online. This is the boy who takes digital photos, manipulates them and makes art!!!

so on the one hand we have 10/10 and on the other we have - change this family forever!!!!


we'll try it anyway....

Tim said that I looked so shocked bacause I wouldn't be able to spend so much time on flickr!!!!

So did I get my new camera lens for my birthday or did I get a book.

Hey I got a book

but so funny - the book is about the psychology of internet addiction. I think he's trying to tell me something!!!!!

this one is called only shine


I only shine
with you
you see
the reflection of yourself
mirrored between the two

treblings

OK

I know I should be in bed...

but Lozzie did some good work today

here is his most popular - he said it's probably because its colourful...

well it would stand out in my present photostream anyway.

Of course loads of fab folk on flickr have resonded already and he is very pleased..

hey thanks guys...

he did the photo, the manipulation and the mosaic while I made tea!!!

it's called the grid

we don't do very imaginative titles: )

recappings

I went away last week and it was so good not to worry and to be able to focus on work. I got back to a fantastic response....

most enthusiastic greeting was from hector the wonderdog, closely followed by the other two boys. seems they were all really pleased to have me back but had missed me too. they got on fine and had a good time.

good relief...

got lots of extra things to do at work - think I need it to help me focus - hope I can handle it but have developed a more organised approach which is helping...

boring work stuff though

let's have a photo...

it's called ruination - I've been feeling kind of dark and listening to old prog rock stuff and my photos seem dark but actually they are really positive and you may have to be in the same space to get that. some fab people on flickr also see the dark stuff in a positive light




but I have also been doing some dark photos of laurie and it seems that people really don't like children presented as other than happy and carefree and innocent

I can appreciate an innocent child shot as much as the rest but I really do strongly believe that we need to engage with the pain too - then we can appreciate the joy

here is one that I love but only my philosophical type contacts seem to like.

it's called all the other fish fear you


and has this quotation from a van der graaf generator song

so you live in the bottom of the sea and you kill all that come near you...
but you are very lonely, because all the othe fish fear you...
and you crave companionship and someone to call your own
because for the whole of your life you've been living alone.
Van der graaf generator
H to HE who am the only one, 1970

its june 2nd tomorrow and at 11.30 we find out if we have a diagnosis

I can't believe that we are half way through the year - I'm 45 next week

it deserves a celebration....

impressings

the home education officer came today

Laurie and I were a bit fab today. I'd written out our philosophy - child centred, informal, indpendent learning and holistic approach. In my usual anal way I'd written a bloody report!!!

It listed each subject, the resources and the related activities. Resources included tv computer games, internet, books, video etc. Activitites included things like discussions, interactive online activitites and quizzes, quiet study time, phtotography, drawing, painting, craft and digital manipulation, workbooks and practical everyday things like cooking, shopping etc.

If any potential home educator would like a copy I'd be happy to email it on request. She seemed to really like it (saved her writing anything down) and she was really great. Said her best home ed kids didn't even use books but learnt by doing using tv and computers. She was a bit surprised at him teaching himself languages and the fact that he did maths every day cause he loves it!

Laurie was a total star and said he liked it because he could set his own timetable and concentrate on work in the morning. he said it was good because once he'd finished the work for the day he could play. he said it was better than school because he got teased at playtime at school and they called him a girl.

He also said that we made a good team at home (aw bless - I didn't prompt him either!!!). He said that was because of the balance of subjects that we were all good at. He told her I spend too long on flickr (oops) but she had seen his fab mosaics and was well impressed by his artwork. He showed her some of his home ed work and pointed out that he liked symmetry in his art.

I watched him as an outsider might see him. He was like a different child than the one I saw two months ago. He appeared confident and happy. My god if only she knew where we'd been lately...

Anyway - not expecting any problems there.

Still waiting for the official response to my letter to the special needs woman. That will be interesting.

so well done laurie and mum today...

here is one of Lauries home ed photo projects called blue & red - the home ed woman really liked it and it made it to explore really quickly.

washings

so funny to read your comments about the clothes thing. i've added a comment - from the heart...

it can take us up to an hour to get Laurie dressed depending on the softness, length of sleeves, fluffy bits and how much cotton an item has.

Can't believe that I seriously have conversations with my 9 year old about what percentage of cotton is in his clothes; )))

so funny but can be majorly frustrating when you have to go somewhere. i try to be patient...

hey the truant officer arrived today - now that was funny

totally unexpected he arrived on the doorstep. he actually was a nice guy doing a shit job.

i told him that we'd filled in the home ed forms and had the home ed person coming tomorrow for a visit.

i told him that we'd written to the education services about our decision.

there was no hint of 'you're breaking the law' although technically we are. he was fairly cool about it - went through the motions but it was clear he totally got why we were at this point. he said the system was based on 50's ideology which was no longer relevant - we can only agree...

so I wrote a curriculum out to show the home ed person. not expecting any problems - home ed is fine as long as he get's it 150% right first time!!!!

also the Steiner school rang to arange a meeting with us all - it will be on my birthday - so taking that as a good sign. if it comes off he will be in a class of 14! felt bad having to give her the background details of him, because of that bloody exclusion....grrrr, bitch and stuff


anyway we wait in hope but he is so much happier not having to do group work - although he turning into a fairly good cook working with me - will probably be a bit arsey though if he was a chef; )

this is what he looks like when he arsey

its called houdini blues after a favourite Kristen hersh track about labels

"Oh no don't you put me in that box
you know what you can do with those locks
bet your life I'll come crawling out again
you'll have to deal with me then
you'll hear me in the wind."

supportings

some of you who read this blog are so amazing I'm stunned.

I never even expected people to read it but to actually respond and offer huge support and really really sound advice is way more than I expected.

yes we had a bad day on monday but generally we are feeling so much more empowered. we had also felt that we need external (legal) help as we are too close. we lost the appeal - as expected and have a strange lack of emotional reaction (still too bloody knackered I think).

tim's reached a point where he needs to be off work. ironically I went back to work on tuesday (maybe a bit mad). my colleagues have been fab and really supportive. today was a bit tiring as we had an event for my elearning projects and everyone was great and said they were glad to see me back - they're probably wondering what the hell is going on.

they probably also wondered what the hell has happened to me. several more grey hairs and a general haggard look. actually coloured my hair before going to the meeting in an effort to tart myself up a bit. very half hearted effort.

what has surprised me is how tired I am. tim said it's cause I'm up till 3 on flickr every night; ))

joker - your comment about good things coming out of these things is so right - we were talking about this the other day and even this close to it all there are so many...

small list just in case anyone else is in the situation but hasn't found these yet...

family wise:

• so much closer
• so much stronger
• so much more harmony

personally:

• channeled my energy into being creative
• have a blog which is so theraputic
• have learned loads about my priorities (all my friends can groan and think 'about bloody time')
• have learned so much about autism and the horrific response this gets in our society
• have learned about the law, the education system
• have stopped tugging my forelock ( a bit; )

and very importantly

• have made some new friends

just as I would never change my son I would also not change what has happened. i'm not a creature of regret...

and I love learning.

i am definately going to find a lawyer. J the L if you have any suggestions great but if not I should be able to find someone. I am going to investigate the scottish legislation re educational provision with or without a diagnosis (thanks photopath) and if we don't get a diagnosis we are going to pay for a second opinion.

so funny - tim now asks every day if anyone has responded to the blog - we do really value other input - it helps to keep us sane when we have a wobbly day.

haven't got a wobbly day photo I dont' think... pause whilst she goes to flickr to check....

will work on one - but appropriate to put up some of lauries work

he took a photo of tim and hector dancing (with an amazing capture of hector's tongue- original is here http://www.flickr.com/photos/dramaqueennorma/143103583/) and I took one of laurie and hector lying next to each other. i went to make tea and when I came back he had coloured them and made a mosaic in picassa. it's a bit psychadelic but has had a great response.

not bloody bad for a nine year old I think...

updatings

it's been a while...

decisions have been made...

we will home educate Laurie till the end of June (Scottish end of term). I've just written the letter to the education service stating all the reasons that we feel the mainstream system just doesn't offer an appropriate route at the moment. enjoyed writing that one as I also got to say exactly why we wont send him back to that school...

we went through a range of options to get through the next few months (nanny - too expenisve) (au-pair - very close second choice) (fabulous next door neighbour who knows us and our son and is studying for exams).

the latter is our choice. she will cover whilst I'm away from home.

Tim is a qualified teacher so we will work up a curriculum. He is so bright that
a) he probably doesn't need a curriculum
b) he teaches himself from the internet, cd roms and the history tv programs
c) we got some practical workbooks for his age range and it takes 2 minutes for him to complete a section!!!

when we've finished those we'll aim higher.

Also planning to enrol him in a local KUMON education centre - recommended to me by a mathematician. Uses a japanese method of teaching and doesn't appear to require group work and encourages independent learning.

Yaaaaay bloody yaaaaay

tomorrow we go to the appeal meeting re the exclusion - should be very interesting. my written submission would stand on it's own but we are going in person too. will have to tart myself up a bit - looking a bit grey and haggard - I wonder why????

I am thinking of going back to work on Tuesday. Not sure I'm ready but feel that I should get on with it (especially as I know things will be OK when I'm travelling). Working may way up to that one.

We went for outr final diagnosis re the spectrum but have to wait until they've seen him with peers!!! This will happen tomorrow as I managed to get Laurie back to the after school club ( the one with the woman who understands autism but can't mention it due to pressure from the witch) the Psychiatric team informed us that they were seriously considering a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome but just needed to confirm his interactions with his peers. Tim and I can't really see that this will make a difference. we think it will just confirm what we have been saying about his interactions.

we then have to wait to get the grand result till first week in June.

Hey Ho as JD Salinger says...

probably no one listening anymore but I've been finding it hard to focus.

have done a whole series of high contrast black and white shots on flickr which make a set called autistic spectrum. each photo illustrates and has a description of one of the things that affects our lives.

Here is one of them which has been really popular. It illustrates the food issues ( restricted diet, being seen eating) and also issues of taste - re conforming to fashion - something my boy just does not do - kudos Laurie

it's called tasteful



and the caption says 'Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste. ~Brecht

travellings

We have been travelling this week. Yesterday me, Laurie and hector left Glasgow at 11.00am and went by train to Chippenham in Wiltshire. We were on the train, accompanied by loads of luggage for 6 and a half hours!!! No toilet stops for the dog and he was, as ever a star…There wasn’t much room under the seats so to stop him sitting in the isle he ended up lying across mine and Lauries laps. Didn’t get any work done as planned so just slept a lot. Laurie and the dog were brilliant.

Two photos to show them both being very happy...
deep joy

Joy wants the eternity of all things, wants deep, wants deep eternity.
Friedrich Nietzsche

and

fidelity

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley

In Chippenham visiting my dad and having a chance to go into the office in Bristol. The boys all had a fab day. It was strange being back at work as I feel so distanced from it all so it was a bit strange. Shows willing though and everyone was really supportive.

Introduced a few more colleagues to flickr as well.

Not much time to be on flickr or the blog due to limited and expensive access to the internet. Getting withdrawal symptoms already.

Excellent news though – I’ve splashed out and treated myself at last to an slr digital camera. Bought it on ebay on Sunday so hope it will be there when I get back. More of my life lost to flickr...

hectorings

hector the rescue dog.

the sweetest natured dog on the planet and so what we need...

hector


What a day...
Had our first visit to the family and child health psychiatric unit. met a nice woman called Dianne. Laurie actually spoke to her so she's started building a picture. I was so aware of all our body language (read too much of course so worried every time he chewed his fingers). I cried (surprise surprise at the moment). Laurie held it back but did get very overwhelmed talking about all his sad and angry feelings. I said sorry for crying in the car on the way back (because I don't want him blaming himself for me being sad) and he was so cool about it. he said ' that doesn't matter - I nearly cried too - it's OK to cry'.

I was so proud of him. Still worrying about her conclusions (so bizarre) that someone who has studied a bit can make desisions that affect our lives.

Anyway we went to the park with hector afterwards and let him off his lead for the first time. he loved playing with a ball and laurie laughed so much. A major success.

We are going again to see Dianne on Thursday (without L) to fill her in on more details.

Thank god someone is on the case...

This is how happy my boy is...

hector the rescue dog

refusings

I'm so exhausted - think we all are.

My hope for a successful visit to the hypnotherapist did not go very well as my son refused to talk. The guy was great though and we all tried to get him to relax but to no avail. He didn't even charge us and we hope to go back again.

On a brighter note we then went to pick up our new dog. He was called patch, but after much debate he has a great new name - Hector. (Stanley was pipped at the post). This means less time in front of the computer and more time in the park...

He is so sweet natured and very calm. Have'nt had chance to take photos yet.

Another bright note is that I bought a film scanner off ebay and now have the huge task of putting my old travel photos on flickr.

Here are a couple of the ones that seem to be popular.

Surprise


thirsty

recoverings

Well a few days later and we're surviving the aftermath of the exclusion.

We got the report of the incident and it was a very poorly written document full of subjective comments and emotive language. I have prepared a 4 page reply which is very measured, contains quotations from government documents and the National Autistic Society (NAS) which describes the kind of sensory overload that my son experiences in his school and the likely impact of this on his behaviour.

Some awful statistics from the NAS website include:

• 40% of all children with autism wait more than three years for a clear diagnosis
• People with autism often want to make friends but due to their disability find it difficult
• 21% of children with an ASD have been excluded from school at least once

This is one example of how gifted my son is - entitled self portrate