perfectings

Well if I'm not an aspie then I guess I'm a fairly obsessive perfectionist. This seems to be affecting most parts of my life.

In my work I get quite stressed out if I can't do my job really well - which I often can't due to the sheer amount of what I need to get done. This does not make me happy. I see Laurie having the same reaction to his homework. If every letter of his sentence is not technically perfect then he has to rub it out and start again. requires the patience and understanding of a saint...

At home we've been preparing our flat to put up for sale (for six months!!!!!!!!)

so how come even with a for sale sign up outside the bloody bath surround was still not done...

so with the prospect of viewings tomorrow I had to find a fabulous hero to come and fix it at no notice and godammit I found one on the internet.

now I know why I got rid of the telephone directories.

I rang the number at about 11.00 and got a lovely woman who understood my plight, got her man on the case and by 4.30 today it was done. Here are the details for my hero joiner and handyman who did a fab job...

so now at 9.30pm I feel that I need to prime the wood, and give it two coats of eggshell... what part of 'you don't need to do this' can't you understand Lou?

I also made Tim spend the whole weekend painting, tidying and cleaning. I even re-stained all the floors in the flat (no mean feat at all).

But at last the flat is looking splendiferous and is up for sale. So if you know of anyone who really needs a fantastic 5 bedroom apartment in the upcoming, and very trendy, southside of Glasgow then please call in and have a look.

Just give me enough warning to

• clean the floors, cooker and mirrors
• put all the rugs down which have been taken up because tammy still hasn't sorted out her bladder
• put new cream duvets with no dog hairs or paw prints on the beds
• put the air freshners on and then turn them off in time not to be overpowering
• turn all the lights on
• carefully position all the shiny display type things to make it look as if we are actually really interesting

At least I didn't give in to Tim's idea of leaving posy design magazines on the coffee table - a step too far for me....

the picture of my fab kitchen (designed by me and supplied by ikea) links to the estate agent website - for those who'd like a nosey...

resignings

I resigned from my job yesterday... and I'm feeling very lighthearted. From June 2008 I'll be 40K a year worse off and 100% free to pursue a wide range of things I want to do...

very odd but on the same day I made my first sale to a publisher for one of my photos. A small step (and not a brilliant sale in terms of renumeration) but significant in many ways. I'm taking it as a sign of very good karma about this big decision....

even more interesting is that it is one of my photos that I really like and hadn't even thought about selling. it's from my trip to china a few years ago and is a wall painting in a daoist temple of the eight immortals - so also significant content in relation to losing some of the more material aspects of my existence... and it's for a book about world religions so I'll get a free copy to add to my collection on spirituality, religion and philosophy. Here is the photo and the quote that went with it on flickr...



If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Lao Tze

Tim thinks I'm barmy of course seeing significance in the coincidences but I'm enjoying them alot...

so the first steps are taken - the fool on her new journey....

preparings

We're off 'doon the water' as they say in Glasgow.

We've had an offer accepted on a house in Dunoon, which is in Argyll and Bute on the West coast of Scotland.

We are all fairly excited but it isn't planned to happen until the end of May.

This allows enough time to sell our fab flat in Glasgow and for me to work out my notice.

So the home education plan moves on... I will contact the Argyll and Bute council to discuss the possibilities offered by the local grammar school but it does have over 1000 pupils and I personally cannot imagine that this would be OK for Laurie.

There is some debate about the optimum size for a school community to thrive and I'll try to find some and point to it later. However this is largely academic to us as most of that research would not take into account the need for schools to support children with autism by generally minimising the amount of sensory overload they might encounter. It seems logical that the more students there are the more noise, distractions, potential for hidden bullying and chaos there are.

Well we'll see when I talk to them. For now I need to concentrate on working my notice, selling the flat and organising the move.

Worst bit of course is all the damn cleaning in preparation for people to come and look around. That and pretending that we don't have two large smelly dogs...

new beginnings

frozen in time

It feels like we are coming out of hibernation...

So much has happened that I don't have time to do write it all down, but I think we're coming back to the blogging and soon to the home education...

laurie is due to start secondary school this year and it has focussed our thoughts for a long time. I have spent hours looking for a school small enough to replicate his current small primary school in Govan. Shame we can't replicate the head teacher and her staff because he is still doing fantastically well at that school.

We are just not prepared to set him up to fail in a large secondary school where people have no concept of him and his needs. The fact that he is so high functioning means that people just do not see how differently his brain does work. He has also got much better at masking things (like when he doesn't understand the instructions, etc.) He just works it out himself eventually and quietly and then completes the task. He is desperate to start learning 'real' things. He wants academic challenge.

So I am going to do this with him. We will be interpreting the term home education broadly to encompass a wide range of activities, both academic and practical. We will be doing solitary and social learning and sometimes it will be well structured (because he likes that) and other times we'll let our hair down a bit. Our home education won't just be happening in the home but it may include rearing chickens and growing some of our own food.

I can't wait....

We contemplated us both giving up our jobs and moving to Orkney (yes a bit drastic but very nearly happened last September but didn't work out). The plan is now for me to finish work in time to start the secondary education phase while Tim stays in his job. We'll sell the grand flat in Glasgow and downsize. We 're planning to move to the country (maybe in Argyll & Bute)...

I am going to try to make some money with a bit of elearning consultancy and my photography. I've been working on a new website and not had any time for flickr or the blogging. Maybe I can start to catch up again with my non work life!

the new photography website...

bullyings...

A year ago I was writing about my son being bullied. I remember all the things I said to try to help him deal with it. None of it worked, none of it was satisfactory and I knew it all the time...

Well I myself had been bullied before he was born - as an adult in the workplace... it had taken a few years for me to actually realise what was going on. By then my self esteem was so low that I had started to expect it, think I deserved it because I hadn't challenged it... In fact it wasn't until I finally left that I fully realised the serious impact it had on my life.

Now how dangerous is that?

I am actually a very strong person, capable and intelligent, funny and personable. I'm old enough to know that; ) What is so strange about the impact of bullying though is that by the time you've worked out what is actually going on - you are tied into behaviours that make it very difficult to challenge.

This is true in both work and social situations for adults, where etiquette, power relationships and such bollocks mean that initially you try to pass off/gloss over/forgive what may appear to be rudeness.

It doesn't help if you actually care about people and understand why they may be bullying you. If you constantly make allowances because they have had a hard time, have issues etc. you make small allowances. each small allowance seems to be a signal...

"yes next time be even ruder, disempower me totallly. i am not important enough to have an opinion of value."

Despite having been through this before myself. Despite trying to help my own son having to deal with it every day. I still allow people to do this to me.

I am so annoyed at myself today... and so upset that I can barely speak.

I am so NOT going to let this continue...
I have actually had enough....

this is the person you are hurting...


still at least I have great inspiration now for the utataspeaks project...

youtubings

yes another youtube photo montage...

it isn't going to change the world but hell - someone might see it and think just a little bit longer...

returnings

Well only 7 months since my last post...

I think the build up to the big Make School Make Sense Campaign by the NAS, and the commitment and energy it required, coupled with 8 months of exhausting emotional strain just took effect.

We needed a break... and we've had one

And we're back!

How easy it is to lose momentum - not that I haven't been busy.

The photography continues - and I've been really busy getting into film and continuing my toy camera addiction. I have just got a new/old hasselblad (she is gorgeous) and I'm about to really statr experimenting with that.

But what people really want to know about is how Laurie's doing...

Well all I can say is he is doing incredibly well. Still at the fantastic school in Govan. He still has some lovely pals and is enjoying school as a whole experience. I know - how amazing is that?

I'll update more on him later which will include new found passions for acting and horse riding, whilst continuing the writing, chess and obsessive yu-gi-oh and pokemon stuff.

I am working on a new website to show my photos and have just made my first Youtube video. Have one on autism planned but this one is just about people...
remember my name....

drama queenings

yaaay

it's make school make sense launch day in Scotland.

there has been loads of press interest and it tied in with an HMI report also launched today about the shoddy state of affairs in Scotland.

we arrived at school this morning - just in time cause I got lost trying to avoid the traffic (which really stressed laurie out) to have all his classmates run over and say they'd seen us on tv. we were surprised cause we don't watch breakfast tv.

they'd put a short version on (the one that is currently on the website). it didn't include Laurie speaking but the evening one was slightly extended to include a bit of his interview about them letting him have quiet space. he was pleased about this. the video link (to the top right of the page will be there for a day).

I just hope the previous headmistress was watching!!!! we were really well behaved and all the time never mentioned which school we had all the difficulty with. took a fairly positive approach. we were in the Glasgow herald education supplement today but no photo.

then tonight had a photographer around to take shots to accompany an article and interview in tomorrow's scotsman newspaper.

we had a quiet halloween and to avoid the trick or treaters we went to the cinema together.

tim has just walked in through the door, back from korea with presents - so have to stop blogging!

really wanted to include a smiley pic for today (and did post one on flickr) but just prefer this one...

performings

wow - what a day

in addition to normal work and the online tutoring course today was a mass of phone calls to sort out media stuff for the National Autistic Society 'Make Schools Make sense Campaign'

Tomorrow is the big launch in Scotland. I was supposed to go to Holyrood (Scottish Parliament) but can't cause Tim is still in Korea. The school press photos didn't materialise yet but the BBC came round to our flat tonight to record somthing for tomorrows regional news (BBC Scotland).

It was very rushed, highly nerveracking and I'm sure I looked like an idiot. Laurie was really nervous and, of course, the big bright light didn't help his autistic sensibilities. We had just got back from school pick-up so didn't even have time to brush hair, check wobbly bits, etc...

he did brilliantly though and got to have a feel for the fancy gear...



not only that he has got a part in the christmas pantomime as the king in a sleeping beauty performance. he is so chuffed (poncy british word meaning very very happy).

All this star stuff may go to his head.

The TV bit will be on BBC Scotland tomorrow night - 31st at 6.30. It will also be on the web site for about a day or so.

poor old tim missed it all so we'll have to tape it for him. he's back late tomorrow night... hector the wonderdog will be beside himself as he's been pining away...

ramblings

well they say you shouldn't tempt fate - the bloody magic stick (sorry staff) has broken in two. the amber eyes stayed stuck in but it happened on the morning he was going back to school after the holidays!!!!

5 minutes before leaving he was swishing it around (tchew tchew) when hector the wonderdog ran into it and broke it right in the middle.

talk about tears - we've promised to stick it back together and bind it with some string etc., etc.

anyway back at school and doing fine!!!! yaaaay - still amazed.

he cried all the way there on wednesday because tim has gone away to korea for a week for work. aw sweet...

I've been totally barmy and as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups and dog walking and housework and cooking and my normal job - I've also been an online tutor for Oxford Brookes University. It's a great course and I'm really enjoying it, but today I didn't get to sit down at the computer till late and I was just too tired. will make up tomorrow.

I am always over committing myself - one of those really annoying natural volunteers. At least my colleagues at work try to stop me doing it now.

Ohh and watch this space as the National Autistic Society are launching the 'Make school make sense' campaign in Scotland on 31st October. I've done my interview with the journalist and they may be taking photos of Laurie for the Glasgow Herald educational supplement next Tuesday and also for the Times Educatonal Supplement. Cool - we really get to support this really important campaign and Laurie says he'll be even more famous!

I think his flickr celebrity may have gone to his head; )

and I'm also supposed to be writing 5 things feminism has done for me cause I received a blog meme from Nicki. Haven't had time to think but did post this abstract photo which reminded me of a woman spinning and of stuff I used to read about women weaving communities and connecting things. Not in the sense of a spinning top which is often what I look like; )

imaginings

tim calls it "la la land" which does make me smile and laurie laughs at it too.

still it doesn't stop him spending all his time there. throughout the day he can be hard going "tcheeew tcheeew" and swinging his sword/light sabre/magic staff around and asking if I think his technique has improved.

of course with his technique he can slay a thousand orcs/dragons/enemy archers...

my favourite is the magic staff which we found on a forest walk and really does have a dragon head. we found some real amber (tree resin) on the same day and have made some jewel eyes.

the staff is truly magical - I need to try not to say "stop swinging that stick around" because it really annoys him

but he keeps dropping the bloody thing and apart from the noise I worry that the jewels will fall out and the resulting catastrophe will be too hard to bear...

here is one of this pics from the day he found the magic staff...

mummyings...

I took a photo today which captures the soul and the heart of my boy...

I cannnot stop looking at it...

I am in awe...

avengings

just because everything is going so well doesn't mean I have forgotten...

I will not stop fighting for the rights of people with autism to be understood

and I often feel like this...
nemesis

Nemesis, winged balancer of life,
dark-faced goddess, daughter of Justice
Mesomedes

smilings

it's been a while again due to work and stuff but the amazing news is - things are still going really well. the school is working out so well and we continue to have a happy boy...

I was away a bit this week and when I got back he was very giggly and talking about girlfriends!!! of course none of them will ever be good enough for my son; ) how great is that - he still talks about his friends and his writing and we have even sorted out some after school care which has made our lives easier.

we went for a meeting with the school and they said they couldn't imagine the class without him now and he won a citizenship award for helping others and encouraging them to read and write. some of the kids were not interested at all in writing before laurie turned up with his story blog and the dream of being a writer.

todays photo is all about blue skies and dreaming!

whistlings

I have a very happy boy - and that does make a change.

he loves his new school!!!!!

there have been a few blips and a few phonecalls with the new headmistress - which was expected. they are dealing with it very well so far.

despite this he loves it.

he is enjoying learning again

he has some pals

the kids are really making an effort...

he has made a positive impact on the class. he intoduced them to his blog and writing stories. they are al doing it now - at playtime for fun.

they all want to be famous and live in LA - so it goes...

here is my new whistling boy - may not last but fun for a while...

celebratings

such stunning news...

Laurie had a full week at school and he is still enjoying it...

he described it as 'a lovely school'
he said it was a million times better than the last one...

we spent the whole week waiting for the bad day... it didn't happen...yet

WOW this feels so strange...

the National Autistic Society contacted me about the Make School Make Sense Campaign being launched on 31st October in Scotland.

our story is going to be used as a case study - great...

we are feeling fairly positive - for a change

a happy photo for a change...

bettings

well if you'd asked me to put £20 down on the chance that today would go well - I wouldn't have gone for it on any odds (not that I understand the difference between 5-1 or 20-1)

1) I felt guilty at not being there (and had a wobbly start to the day)
2) I knew Laurie would be feeling very nervous
3) I've lost the ability to be totally optimistic

OK - so how did it go.

I think I've said before that we use numbers to measure how Laurie feels about things (he's comfortable with numbers). And today was..... (triumphant fanfare - but quiet for those with sensory sensitivities)...

nine and three quaters out of 10!!!!!

woah. big result. not many things get such a high result. Considering his days at the last school were in the minus figures and we haven't gone over five since we went to the Steiner school (which we failed to get in - see earlier post).

It's early days and we have learned to be philosophical...

there will be a honeymoon period BUT

he had a great day despite a teary start.

My son rocks big time - he is so brave and so open to new possibilities (despite the aspergers)

He talked for half an hour on the phone about his day and he described the group work session as 'good fun'.

so here I am daring to hope.

would I bet on the future - NO

but I may be a bit more hopeful. I've forgotten how to celebrate a good day. Maybe I'll get a bit more practice. Maybe not....

here I am waving to the future...

wild imaginings

wow - the visit to the new school went really well.

Laurie was really positive and the environment felt very gentle (despite being in one of the most deprived areas of Glasgow). The staff were fantastic and we had a really useful conversation about a plan for integrating him into the school.

The school only has 100 pupils (instead of the planned 400) so there is lots of space and quiet areas. Laurie went off with his teacher and met his new class. There is a boy with tourettes syndrome who looked after him. They had a great time. There are only 16 others in his class. maybe this could work...

So here is the plan...

instead of a slow transition we are going for a full time start (due to his positive response) from... tomorrow!!!!!!

and where am I - stuck in a hotel bar in bristol, while Tim completes the preparations for the morning. We went out and bought new clothes and shoes, etc. he is ready in a practical sense.

He is a bit nervous but really excited and positive. I wont be home till Thursday night - so have a few days at work while I wonder what's going on.

fingers, toes, and all relevant body bits crossed now! we are more hopeful but know that there will be some major blips. If it can work in mainstream school then this is a good try...

watch this space - we'll see if we can 'make school make sense' (National Autistic Society Campaign). I gave them piles of information about children with aspergers and learning and tried to explain his sensory issues. now it's over to them for a bit.

keep finding myself crying - a mixture of relief and apprehension and true admiration for such a brave kid.
how I feel today. best seen large - from a gravestone at the fabulous Glasgow Necropolis
melt...

For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?
Kahlil Gibran

new beginings

tomorrow we go to a new school....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and he is very positive about it.

if there is a goddess then now is the time to do your stuff lady...

we are...
apprehensive

hopeful

scared shitless

fingers crossed folks.

I wish we could take the new magic dragon staff...

layerings

back to reality

back to work

how can an email inbox be so demanding?

juggling the layers of life again so here is my representative photo

deeper than you imagine

That which I complained about in myself is some layers deeper than you imagine.
Anna Freud